But wait, there's more!

Believe it or not, I still haven't given up on this blog idea. I don't want to lose the momentum I've got. Not only are there still mainly stupid things out there that I need to document, I also have many pointless things to contribute to the world. My 44 readers have been deprived for so long that I can only hope they will take me back.

These days I'm mainly dealing with the intricacies of raising a 17-year-old boy who is convinced that he knows everything there is to know and that I'm "out to get him." Perhaps some of you have experienced this as well. I'm interested to hear what you have to say.

Cheers,

Big Doofus

Closed Captioned for the Hearing Impaired Swill Drinkers

There are two HUGE beer companies in America: Anheuser Busch (i.e. Budweiser) and Miller-Coors. They are fighting for every piece of the market in this country (and the world, but that's another matter). One way to gain new customers would be to create beers that actually taste good. We can only assume that they've written this idea off as a bad idea. The other way is to come up with all kids of gimmicks on the beer cans and bottles to trick you into thinking that there's something good about a bad beer. I've posted on this subject before and I'll probably do it again.

Such is the case with a recent commercial for Coors Light. The message is that the swill in the bottle still tastes like the swill that it is. However, you can now tell when your swill is cold without ever having to open your case. We all know that beverages in the refrigerator stay cooler when you put a layer of cardboard around them, right? No, but I digress.

Aside from the fact that this is just another lame attempt to get Americans to buy more swill, I wonder what the deaf community thinks about it. Normally I have the closed captions turned off on my TV, but my old set likes to turn them on for me randomly. Take a look at the captions created for this commercial in the following screen shots. Note that these are horrible pictures because you can see me in the reflection of the glass. But they're still hilarious:

Let's get started. The first actual words are from the wife (I assume!) trying to seduce her husband. I believe she asks, "Do you like what you see?" However, the deaf community understands it as, "YOU LIHAT YOE?"

The man doesn't notice his wife and instead is intrigued with the swill (what a moron). He replies with, "Yeah. When did Coors Light get these new windows?" which is concisely translated as "WHEN Coorsht GET THNE!" It's apparently an exclamation in the hearing impaired community...and they left out an "i" in "Coorsht." :)

The wife is not sure what the husband is asking and he reiterates, "Windows." Sadly, the deaf community is left with, "WINDOWHANK Y." Maybe there's some truth here. Is the husband passing up on "HANKY" for watered down beer with windows? Hmmm.

The announcer (or "Annou") comes on and says, "Introducing the new Coors Light..." and the closed caption readers get "INTRODG THE Coors t" --whatever.

Mr. Announcer goes on about the "New Cold Activation Window," otherwise known as the "1d Action WI, HANK Y" which must be shorthand for "WINDOWHANKY."

"Now you can see your beer is cold before..." turns into, "YOU CAE YOURR ISD BEFOOU BUYrs t." Wait a minute. I figured it out. The Closed Caption guy or gal may have had one too many swills. Let this be a lesson to you all. Don't drink and write closed captions for the hearing impaired community!

Mr. Clueless just now realizes there are lit candles in his room. "This is a fire hazard," he notes while putting out a candle with his swill bottle. Which equals, "THIS IFIRE HD." It's an Apple iFire in High Def.

The announcer is back with, "Frost brewed Coors Light," which is flawlessly recorded as "RR FRBREWEDrs Ligrs t." Isn't a Ligr a cross between a lion and a tiger, bred for it's skills in magic?

"The World's Most Refreshing Beer," is reduced to "THRLD'S REGREG BE."

And just so you know. I've seen this commercial several times on the air since I originally recorded it and the closed captions are the same.

Stupid Adults Getting in the Way - a TV Post

We watch a little TV in our home with the kids. As parents we keep a close eye on what the kids view and we encourage them to think critically about the shows they enjoy. Subsequently, I've been thinking about some of this stuff for a while and decided to share it with anyone who cares to read it and comment.

Gone are the days when kids programming was limited to Saturday mornings. You can catch kid-geared television 24 hours a day thanks to cable tv, satellite and the interwebs. The two most popular networks for our kids (ages 11, 13 and 16) are Nickelodeon and Disney Channel. I watch all the shows my kids watch, so I have a pretty decent grasp on what's going on--despite the fact that I'm a stupid parent (see below).

Over the past few years, I began to notice some consistent, and somewhat disturbing themes with regards to the shows we watch. Primarily, parents are usually not married or even in the picture. Often when they are, they are portrayed as goofy, stupid and out of touch with reality. "Reality" is a universe where kids are in the center. Parents, if they exist, are usually in the background or getting in the way. Most adults--especially those in any position of authority--are ignorant and/or overly intrusive. Work is not something to aspire to unless it has to do with fulfilling a personal (and in my opinion, selfish) dream. This usually takes the form of fame via television shows, web shows, fashion magazines or being a teen singing sensation. The stars of the shows are often launching real-life singing / teen idol careers at the same time. It's all part of the networks' plans to create a teen/tween marketing windfall.

The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron (Nickelodeon)
This show is no longer in production, but it's one we all watched quite a bit and still do thanks to re-runs. Both of Jimmy's parents actually exist in this show and play a significant role. However, Jimmy is MUCH smarter than his parents, who are displayed as being somewhat out of touch. The dad is a hilarious character, but a bit of a buffoon. He has some sort of a boring job and the mother is a stay-at-home-mom. That's a blast from the past compared to other shows, but it's consistent with the theme they seem to be going for.

Spongebob Squarepants (Nickelodeon)
There really are no parents in this program. Spongebob lives on his own, as does his best friend Patrick. They are basically big kids who manage to survive in the world. Patrick is unemployed and lives under a rock. Spongebob and Squidward work at the Krusty Krab. Squidward hates the job and their boss, Mr. Krabs, is obsessed with money. To his credit, Spongebob likes his job and works hard at it. I should point out that we LOVE this show.

iCarly (Nickelodeon)
This show is a guilty pleasure for our family. It's very well produced and quite funny. However, Carly's parents are not in the picture. She lives with her brother who manages to keep a really cool apartment in Seattle by occasionally working on sculptures. Their father decided to leave them on their own rather than take care of them. He expects perfection out of his kids and I guess he just decided it was easier to let them raise each other. Sam is Carly's best friend. We never see her parents and only hear about her mother, who is portrayed as incredibly irresponsible. Freddie is the nerdy boy who lives with his mother. She is portrayed as overprotective and a bit nutty. Miranda Cosgrove, who stars as iCarly, just released a CD with a video that is prominently played on the Nickelodeon networks.

True Jackson, VP (Nickelodeon)
True's fashion sense is so amazing that she got a job as an editor for a leading fashion magazine in the big city. This happens all the time, right? Do people still read magazines? Anyway, it's assumed that she lives at home with both parents. The mother has appeared in at least one episode (or maybe ONLY one), but the father is MIA. Most of the adults in this show are a bit dopey. Keke Palmer (True Jackson) has also launched a singing career with at least one CD.

Sonny With a Chance (Disney)
Sonny stars in a TV show. She spends most of her time on the set, but she DOES live with her mother in an apartment. There is no dad in the picture. The mom (Nancy McKeon from "Facts of Life") seems to be loving and helpful whenever she's called upon--about four episodes according to imdb.com. Demi Lovato (Sonny) also has a musical career. Are you picking up the theme here? Some of you remember The Monkees. It's the show that started all of this.

Hannah Montana (Disney)
Everyone knows about Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus. If you DON'T know about her, congratulations. She's a teen singing sensation (that doesn't assume she is talented) in the show and in real life. She lives with her Achey Breaky dad. There is no mother in the picture. I believe that she died while Hannah was young. Correct me if I'm wrong. I've blogged about her before. In real life she's on her way to gaining respect as an adult by...there's no nice way to say it. Let the pole dancing video speak for itself.

The Wizards of Waverly Place (Disney)
This show is an exception in that the Russo family actually lives together. The parents play an important part in the lives of their kids. Of course, they are all witches and warlocks who have the ability to do just about anything they want and choose to be as normal as possible. It's sort of like Bewithced for those of you who remember. Here's another shocker...Selena Gomez, who plays the main character on the show (Alex Russo) has a singing career of her own. I finally decided that we needed to pull the plug on this show. It wasn't a popular decision at home, but I'll stick with it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm really not swearing off all tv. We watch a lot of these shows together and they are all well-produced. Some of them are laugh-out-loud funny. I just want to teach my kids to think critically. I firmly believe that once they can do this they will see the world, and their place in it, for what it really is. I'm curious to know what the rest of you think.

Real Life Cutters!

I'm sure my kids are sick of hearing me talk about courtesy when it comes to driving. Plus, I've already used up oodles of keystrokes and blog electrons on the subject. In particular, my Stop Driving Like an Idiot post from December of 2007 came to mind the other day when something sad (and yet funny) happened to me.



If you didn't click over to the link (and why bother, really), you only need to read this part:

7. Don't Cut - This goes back to grade school, folks. You don't cut in line just because you can get away with it. Imagine that you're in the check out lane of a grocery store and you see a little space between two people ahead of you. Would you simply shove your way into the space with your cart and ignore the others around you? Sometimes, things happen and you have to find your way onto a lane (see #5). When that happens, use your signal and be considerate.

Well, we were talking about that very subject on Saturday morning in the car and a few hours later we found ourselves approaching the checkout lady at Wal-mart. We were to be the next in line behind someone who was seconds away from leaving. Lo and behold, from out of nowhere an elderly man JUMPED IN LINE AHEAD OF HIS--just like I described in the post a few years ago. He really did it! All we could do was laugh and walk over to the next lane where no one was waiting. I may have made some comment to my wife about it out loud so he could hear me and feel like a tool.



Oh, and I suppose I should point out that I plan on a regular return to blogging. Blogging frees my mind and allows me to record some of the strange things that happen in my life. I welcome your comments and I'll be sure to look some of you up as well. My wife has also promised to jump back into the blogosphere.

Look, Mom and Dad...I'm in the Newspaper!

Somewhere, there are some mighty proud parents at home, reading the newspaper right now...

A Meme Response

Arby tagged me last month and I'm just now getting around to a reply. It's simple. All I have to do is repost the first post ever from my blog. Here it is...

November 29, 2006
The next time you make a trip to a restaurant or even a fast food establishment, tell the person helping you that you want your order served, "granny style" and then slip the waiter a $20 bill.

That's a typical post from me today. It sort of goes back to my pre-blog days with The Daily Journal (TDJ). TDJ was a blog long before there were blogs. So, if I want to get really specific, I could post my first entry on TDJ. I didn't write the first entry as that belonged to Jason. However, I wrote the second entry and it looked like this...

June 7, 1998
If I could be anyone in the world, I would be Miss America. Imagine all of that good will you could share with folks all over the country. Sure, they'd be staring at my breasts and trying to peek up my dress, but I'd still be spreading good will, and that's all that really matters when you're Miss America like me.

I'm supposed to pass this on, so I'll ask any of my followers to re-post their first entry as well. And just to make it fun, if you choose to do it, you need to change the subject of the post to an armadillo wearing a parka. Be sure to send me a comment if you posted. Cheers!

Pictures of Pitchers 1 (or pichers of pichers)

If you visit baseball web sites a lot (like me) then you're used to seeing pictures of grown men making silly faces while wearing baseball hats. For some unknown reason, the powers that be like to display pictures of baseball players when they are contorting their faces. When you throw a hard ball at speeds between 90-100 mph, you're bound to look a little goofy. I thought I'd share an installment today. Enjoy.

My favorite is the one in the middle. It looks like he's doing his squirrel impersonation. Nicely done.

What happens on the "STURDY STATION2"?

Perhaps Rubbermaid should have thought twice before naming their infant changing station "Sturdy Station2." I snapped a picture of this one at the QDoba on 96th Street in Indianapolis. I don't usually condone vandalism, regardless of how minor it may be, but I might have done this, too.


Simply removing the "S" and the "Y" on "STURDY" provides an even more appropriate name for a changing station. If you've ever had your little ones in a public place and relied on one of these, you know just what I mean.

From the FAIL! File

While planning out a future trip to a Reds baseball game and Ikea using Google Maps, I noticed something strange about the Public Library of Cincinnati...

...it's in Kentucky!

There's something else silly about it, but I'm still trying to figure it out.

Who's Guilty of Using "Spicy Photos?"

Another gem from today's Indianapolis Star. It seems like the newspaper might be guilty as well...

Coincidence?

Anyone else find this "coincidence" of the airport body scanners (i.e. the ones that let security workers see your ENTIRE body) headline paired with the cheerleaders picture to be odd?

Removed from Email List

I get a TON of emails at work, so I actually take the time to unsubscribe from email lists that I don't wish to be a part of--usually I never signed up for them in the first place, but that's another story. Anyway, I unsubscribed from one such list today and got the following result...


Irony, anyone?

Something Unexpected Happened

Usually I reserve this blog for important updates on the random silliness that I see in the world around me. However, today I wish to reflect on something a little more important and personal. Enjoy (or, stop reading--whatever works for you).

You may have figured out that I have three children. Just yesterday I was sitting in the living room looking out at our modest little backyard that sits in front of a giant cornfield (yes, I live in Indiana). There were my two "little" girls, ages 11 and 13, jumping and playing on the trampoline. You could tell by the looks on their faces that not only were they having fun...they love each other and enjoy one another's company. Yet, these two are SO different. Bird (13) is sporty and spunky with tomboy tendencies. She wants to be a fashion designer. Snip (11 1/2) is the girly-girl ballerina who wants to nurture everyone and start being a mother today. It seems like just a year ago they were getting on each others nerves, picking at each other and not wanting to do things together. It honestly brings tears to my eyes to see them together. God has blessed me with two lovely daughters and the blessing seems doubled when I see them together.

America: The Story of P. Diddy

Last night the wife and I were watching a very interesting series on The History Channel called, America: The Story of Us. In a nut shell they would follow a time line through the major events of American History and then focus on specific events and people. One minute we'd be watching a re-enactment of the expansion of the Midwest or the Erie Canal (etc.) and the next we'd hear from real-life experts including history professors, researchers, scientists and Sean "P. Diddy" Combs... That's right. I'd get to hear what Sean "P. Diddy Combs" has to say about the subject. While we're at it, throw in Sheryl Crow and a host of other celebrities.

Dance of the Dogs (or...Featuring the Dogs)

Here's a great example of what three little girls can do with their ballet training, music, stuffed dogs and a crowd...



My daughter, Izzi, is in this video with my niece, Eva. They are better known on this blog as "Snip and Snap." In addition, their little buddy "Lids" is also featured.

Behold, the SITEHAWK

I posted this on Facebook the other day and decided I'd put it on the blog, too. The Facebook entry reads like this...

FACT: If you are selling or leasing commercial property using a company called "SITEHAWK" and an actual hawk lands on your SITEHAWK sign you will have success in thirty days or less. Look it up.

And to quote the late Paul Harvey, here's "the rest of the story..."

I was coming back from lunch with some buddies from work and we looked over to see this sign. We've seen it quite a few times in the past, but the presence of the hawk caught our eye. This picture doesn't really do it justice as it was taken with a cell phone camera. The hawk (probably a red-tail) was impressive, to say the least. What are the chances of that happening? Perhaps it's not too much of a stretch since hawks are common here in Central Indiana. It might be like the late Tammy Faye Baker sitting on an Avon cosmetics sign.

Look Out Criminals

According to today's Indianapolis Star the bad guys are going to have to pay close attention to some new anti-crime measures...


Just wait until some thug gets some warm spaghetti hurled at them. He or she will think twice before they break the law again.

What does she REALLY think about me?

My youngest daughter, Izzi (often referred to as "Snip" in this blog) gave me a home-made card to open up while on the airplane as I was headed out west for a week-long business trip. It's a very sweet thing to get this kind of hand-crafted sentiment from such a cute little eleven-year-old girl. Per her instructions, I opened it up and read it while on the plane, cruising at an altitude of about 30,000 feet in the air.

For your enjoyment, I've scanned the envelope of the card along with the front and inside (the best part). I also added a picture of my little Izabella ballerina so you can appreciate the source...

In case you didn't catch that, it reads as follows:

I love you very much. I hope you are safe. I don't want you to live but I have no choice. I love you sooo much. You are the Best Dad in the world.

I Will Miss You.

Izabella

Contrary to her wishes, I survived the trip.

Strange Headline

I just read the following headline from my local online newspaper:

Cops seek man with gun at Southside Taco Bell

I'm not sure what the deal it, but apparently you can help out the police if you're a man and you have a gun. Just bring it to the Southside Taco Bell and see what you can do to help. Think outside the bun!

When Harry met Harry...and Herry

I work in a small offiice with two guys who are named, "Harry." What are the chances of that? Neither of them actually go by the name, "Harry," as they have adopted nicknames or using their initials as their first name. That probably makes sense. I only bring this up because of yet another bizarre dream I had the other night. Only recently have I begun to actually remember my dreams which gives me something to blog about. Anyway, in the dream I was looking at my birth certificate only to discover that my real first name was...you guessed it..."Harry."

Too bad Herry Monster from the Sesame Street of old was not in the dream.

A Three-Year-Old and His Tobacco

I have a little buddy at church named, Sullivan who is having a birthday tomorrow. If you ask him, he will tell you that he's turning four or even five, but he will be three. For the past year he's been telling his parents that for his birthday he wanted a backhoe. I saw him at church last night and he excitedly told me about his early birthday present...

"I gotta backhoe!"
However, in his cute little almost-three-year-old voice it sounded like...

"I got tobacco!"

Nothing says "Happy 3rd Birthday" like tobacco.

Happy Birthday, Sullivan.

Spring Fashion Sighting

The neighbor boy has been out most of the day sporting his blue pajamas and cowboy boots while he carries around his security blanket on his bike with one training wheel. It's the new look for Spring 2010.

Back Again

My company just finished a major trade show and I'm still trying to dig out of everything while life moves on at full speed. It's also the beginning of baseball/softball season for my kids and it looks like two if not all three of my kids will be on teams this year. That always makes life even more interesting. Regardless, I've neglected this blog for too long and it's time to get back at it. However, I'm not really sure what to contribute at the moment.

All I can think of is the stupid dream I had last night (actually it was around 6:00 am this morning). I was playing some strange pool game with a bunch of kids (none that I recognize in real life). It was like tag except that you could be safe or immune from getting tagged by having some sort of combination of items with you in the pool. Of course, I was "it" and it didn't matter who I tried to tag. They would always have a combination of things that kept them from getting tagged. It was pretty frustrating as I'd finally catch up with a kid and he'd say, "You can't tag me. I've got the green floaty and the yellow ball." Well, of course I can't tag that kid. Everyone knows the green floaty and the yellow ball makes you safe from the 4o-year-old man who's trying to tag you. In my frustration I remember trying to smack the kid in the head with the floaty...which turned out to be the REAL pillow under my head as I was sleeping. I managed to jerk it out from under my head and woke up--as did my wife as I think I may have struck her.

So, now she's "it"...unless her combination of the green pillow and pink pajamas makes her immune.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I've been way too busy with work to post on this blog lately. I hope to get back at it more regularly within the next month. In the mean time, here's a picture of a bunny with a waffle on it's head:

Back From Vacation

I spent the week in the towns of French Lick and West Baden in Southern Indiana. These towns have a lot of history. There are two giant hotels/resorts in the area, The French Lick Springs Hotel & Casino and the West Baden Springs Hotel. Honestly, it's hard to imagine why these two luxury hotels are there, but it goes back to the healing springs discovered in the area in the 1800's. Guests would flock to this area for the springs and some smart business people figured out how to capitalize on it.

We actually spent our honeymoon in the area at the nearby villas. These are condos that can be rented which sit on a hill overlooking the French Lick Hotel & Casino. I may post more about this place and add some pictures later. It's all worth seeing.

More later.

I'm Lovin' It

I have a niece that I call, "Digidy Dog." Sometimes I spell it differently...not sure why...but that's not the point. A little over a year ago, she used to refer to her favorite restaurant as "Bin Farmy's." I made up a little graphic to remember it and forgot to share it with the rest of the world. You can probably figure out the real name if you try really hard...

Terror Threat at Local School!!!

Just the other day here in Central Indiana there was some sort of a terror threat at one of the area high schools. Officials determined that the threat was serious enough to warrant closing the school and sending the kids home. As you can tell from this picture, they were horrified and sadly disappointed...

Is this a case where the terrorists win or did some kid forget that his Science Fair project was due?

There's Beauty Here, Too

It's winter and I get a little tired of hearing people complaining about it. It is what it is and sometimes it is spectacular...


I'm not a great photographer but once in a while I get lucky and take a good shot. Enjoy.

Another Noteworthy Blog

I had a comment from a blogger at The Connective Lens today so I stopped by to take a look. He takes great photos of small town life--something I can appreciate since I grew up in a little town in Northeastern Indiana. Be sure to stop by.

New Coke Flavors

Today my friend Brian woke up in the middle of the night because he had a dream about a new wonderful product from the makers of Coca-Cola---Diet Coke with Bacon. While it probably doesn't exist, someone took the time to mock it up via Photoshop or some other image editing software. They did a nice job. I'm not sure where this came from, but I'd be happy to give them credit.


Of course, it reminds me of my own creation taken from my Zucchini Conspiracy post a year and a half ago. Some of my own Photoshop work:



Oh, and here's a fun fact: Did you know that a 12 ounce can of Coke has 140 calories while Pepsi sports 150? Drink up!

New Blog to Follow

I don't normally get too excited about other blogs, unless it's another MAN BLOG. I used to keep a list of these on the right side of my blog, but many of them have gone off to blog heaven (i.e. they only post on Facebook).

But I REALLY like Some Blog. Be sure to check it out.

Breaking News

There's a lot going on in the world today. Thankfully, I live in a big city with journalists who dig deep to find the news that really matters. The Indianapolis Star doesn't just reprint press releases from major companies. This is hard hitting stuff. Let's see what's going on today...

That's right, Heinz is unveiling new ketchup packets!!!!! Don't even think about trying to get anything accomplished today. This news has devastated us all and will change the way we live.

Facebook Ads for Forty Year Olds

Many of you are familiar with Facebook, as am I. As slick as it is, it's hard to believe that they make so much money on advertising when I regularly see stuff like this (left).

Obviously, Facebook looks at my age to create my personalized ads...or is that just a coincidence? (Note sarcasm--I need that new punctuation mark for sarcasm I've been hearing about!) By the way, who has a Driver's License picture like that, anyway? Could you imagine that whole scenario? Let's try...

BMV* LADY: Ok, just stand here in front of the backdrop and I'll take your picture so you can have your new license.

STUD GUY: Ok. Does my hair look ok?

BMV LADY: Uh....sure...whatever. I have 72 people waiting behind you and I need to take a government approved break where I just sit and do nothing. Let's keep it moving.

STUD GUY: Well, I guess it's ok. Now, tell me, what's my motivation in this shot?

BMV LADY: What? Your motivation? I guess your motivation is that you need a new license or you won't be able to drive. Now, PLEASE look into the camera.

STUD GUY: Perfect. Let me get there. I'm a method actor.....[long pause, people can be heard screaming in the background.] WAIT! This doesn't seem right. It needs something.

BMV: Sir, all I need to do is push the button so you can move on and I can get my break.

STUD GUY: I got it. I'll take my shirt off.

BMV: Sir, that's really not necess....oh, ok.

Since I'm 40, I qualify for $12/month car insurance. I'm sure that has to be real, right? (still need that SarcMark) Plus, I can get a FREE Apple iPad

*That's right, I said "BMV!" Here in Indiana it's the Bureau of Motor Vehicles and not the DMV.

Sales Cliches - Part 4

It's been a while since I visited the subject of sales cliches and yet I still hear some of the most bizarre, made-up-on-the-spot cliches every day at the office. Just yesterday one of our sales managers was on the phone with a customer and said,

"you may be trying to skin the cat that has two layers of fur on it."

You Can Do Anything You Want! - Example 1

Like I said, "You Can Do Anything You Want." For instance, you can wear your pants any way you want and no one can tell you otherwise. If they do, you have the right to assault them--even if you're a young man and you need to assault a woman.

(From today's Indianapolis Star)

Sagging pants lead to student's arrest
By John Tuohy

A 14-year-old high school student who wouldn't pull up his pants was arrested Tuesday after taking a swing at a police officer.

Indianapolis Public School Police Officer Dawn Austin had asked the John Marshall High School student to pull up his pants and tuck in his shirt but the student ignored her and kept walking. The boy also ignored the vice-principal and a teacher who also asked him to stop and tuck in his shirt, according to an IPS police report.
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At the end of the hallway, Officer Damon Boyd tried to make the boy stop. When the student refused, he told him he would be arrested. The student struggled with Boyd and knocked him against a locker.

Austin tried to put handcuffs on the boy and he started swinging at her, with the dangling handcuffs hitting her in the hand, according to the report.

After officers subdued the boy, he was charged with resisting law enforcement, battery of a police officer and disorderly conduct. Boyd tore his shirt and injured his left hand and left shoulder. Austin hurt her right hand. Both officers went to a medical clinic. The boy was sent to the Marion County Arrestee Processing Center

Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Lookin' like a fool with yo pants on the ground! Sheesh.

You Can Do Anything You Want!

"You can do anything you want."

Those are powerful words. It's the American way. If you just apply yourself to something, you can make it happen. For the most part, it's true and it's what makes our country great. However, the other day I was thinking about that phrase and the fact that it has a double meaning.

"You can do anything you want."

No one can tell you what you can or cannot do because you can do anything you want. This is America and no one should be able to get in your way of doing anything...anything! No one can tell you what to do with an unborn fetus. You can do anything you want. No one can tell you that your lifestyle is wrong and damaging to the rest of society. You can do anything you want.

Of course, there's a double standard today as the government regularly tells us what we can and cannot do. I'm just rambling, I know. It could be worse, I could try to formulate my thoughts in the form of a Haiku.

Messed Up Blog

I'm in the process of changing and/or reformatting my blog. That explains the weird line through the middle of it. Hopefully I'll have it fixed soon and it will not cause the universe to explode.

Big Losers!

There are two parts to this post--the part where I realize something that I need to do for my body and my family and then the really funny part that came out of the mouth of my daughter. They both sort of relate to NBC's extreme weight loss reality show called, The Biggest Loser. I'll start with the serious part and then make then I'll "make some funny," as the clown-dad in the new Walmart commercial stated.

On Tuesday night I had a few late phone calls to make at work and managed to get home after 7:00--which is even late for me with my hour long commute. My lovely bride was not going to be able to make dinner so I used it as an excuse to get some fast food that I really didn't need. I've never had a weight issue in my 40 years of life, but lately it's been starting to sneak up on me. After changing clothes I decided to step on the scale in our bathroom--BOOM! I've managed to pack on about 30+ pounds in the past year or so. I didn't do anything about it, but it weighed (hey, a PUN!!) heavily (another one!) on my mind as I headed downstairs for the couch and the TV.

For reasons unknown to me, we (i.e. the wife and my 12-year-old daughter) decided to watch The Biggest Loser. Guilt came over me as I was sitting on my butt watching this show about health and weight loss and I needed to do something about my own body. About twenty minutes into it I left the room and ate an entire box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls...no, I didn't. Just wanted to make sure you were still reading. I headed upstairs to change change clothes again and got on the treadmill for nearly 40 minutes. It's a start and it's something I need to do every day in addition to changing some eating habits.

Now, here's the funny part. Before I got up from the couch there was a Subway commercial with one of the ladies from the show who was talking about her own weight loss and exercise journey. At one point she was in a mall moving along with a crowd of people and my daughter laughed as she said, "Hey, isn't she riding in an escalator?" I couldn't stop giggling and feeling proud that my daughter inherited my sense of humor.

Casual Friday

My office is REALLY casual all the time. We can wear shorts and flip-flops if we want, as long as we get our work done no one really cares. If you're meeting with customers, then we assume that you're smart enough to dress appropriately.

This takes it to a whole new level:

Choose Carefully

This probably belongs on FAILblog, but it was sent to me by a friend and co-worker while he was traveling for work in the Chicago area.


There are two choices for bottled water at this particular vending machine. You can pick the 20 ounce bottle of Aquafina water for $1.45 or you can choose the 20 ounce bottle of Aquafina for $2.25. Choose carefully! According to my friend, the $1.45 water was sold out.

Clowns and Unicorns - The Walmart commercial

I posted this on my facebook page this morning, but I thought I'd share it on my blog as well. Walmart's ads are all over the place. Once in a while they hit the funny bone (e.g. if you've ever seen their spots for the Madden 2010 or Call of Duty: Modern Warfare video games), but this has to be one of the best (well, funniest) commercials EVER:

Your Degree is Burried Next to the Mushroom

Here's another ad I stumbled on...

Apparently, there are all kinds of degrees just waiting for us under the surface. You just walk over to the giant mushroom and start digging through the weird turd-like object. Or, maybe you smoke the mushroom. I'm not sure. At any rate, you quickly fall down into the Associate's degree cavern which easily dumps you into Certificates (whatever that is) and then Doctoral.

End Up With This?

The other day I got the following pop-up ad online...


I'm still trying to figure it out. It's actually a bit creepy. You start out with a cheap camera and you end up with a picture of some lady and a couple of freaky guys "photo-bombing" her. Let me know if you have any theories.

Go Ahead and Spit it Out

Recently I figured out something that revolutionized the communication in my marriage. Now, I don't normally like to brag about my own marriage or the ideas that I come up with it to make it even better, but I'm going to do it now--deal with it.

I think it's fair to say that most wives and women in general LIKE to communicate. In fact, they like it SO much that they purposefully schedule times to do just that. Guys, can you remember the last time that you called one of your buddies and said, "You and I need to talk," or "We need to get together so we can talk about this and that." It just doesn't happen all that much. When my wife wants to talk to me about something she has always felt the need to let me know that it was her intention to do so. In other words, things would be going along just fine and then she'd let loose with the dreaded, "Honey, sometime we need to talk about such and such," or "When we go to dinner tonight I want to talk about this and that." In many cases there would be a list of items that were going to be on the discussion agenda.

For some reason, this has always driven me nuts. I'd spend all of that time in between the talk wondering what it was that we were going to get into when things commenced. In fact, I'd often want what I called a "heads up" so that I wouldn't be caught off guard. Sometimes she'd even introduce the beginning of conversations with, "I'd like to talk to you about such and such," and then start at it. I don't like to be told what we're going to talk about. I'd rather just let it happen. That's how I roll and I suspect there are a lot of other guys out there who are wired the same way. So, we came up with a new rule. When she wants to talk about something and there's time to talk about it, all she has to do is start talking about it. Not only does the conversation not need an introduction, it actually deters me me from wanting to talk about it because in my mind I'm thinking about everything that may or may not transpire. If there's no time to talk at the moment, she can catch me later on. It's not like she and I are strangers who seldom see each other.

Believe it or not, this has been a huge blessing for me. And a blessing for me when it comes to communication in the marriage turns out to be a blessing for her as well. Sometimes she'll start to introduce a subject of conversation and will catch herself--or I'll put the kibash on it. No introductions are needed. Just spit it out. I'm here for her now.

I Love 'Merica

We live in a great country filled with people who still seem to understand what it means to rise above their humble status when it comes to dealing with injustice, tragedy and natural disasters. It's times like these when I feel good about humanity and the future of our country. Go figure, we do our best when we're under distress.

But then there was this guy at the airport the other day that shook me up quite a bit. We were all waiting at the baggage carousel for our luggage. He was probably in town for a trade show, as was I, and I overhead this conversation (paraphrased, but I'm pretty sure it's accurate) with one of his work buddies:

THIS GUY: ...I got an estimate from another collision shop for the damage done to truck for the insurance company. You can barely see the mark on the bumper but it's going to cost a lot to fix. Of course, I'm going to use the biggest estimate I get.

WORK BUDDY: Blah, blah, blah. Blah. (laughs)*

THIS GUY: The truck isn't worth that much today. I'd sell it if I could get some decent money out of it. If the government ever does another "Cash for Clunkers" I'll get a new truck.

WORK BUDDY: Blah! Oh, and on another note, blah, blah food.

THIS GUY: What? No way. We need to get some REAL FOOD while we're down here. There's a Hooters just up the street from the motel...hey, there's my golf clubs!

*I don't remember much about what he said as I was too annoyed with the other guy)

If you didn't pick up on what I was so annoyed with, I'll spell it out for you. Americans complain about how government is too big and how big companies and their protective political action committees and associations stick it to the everyday man. While there is certainly truth in that statement, WE need to understand that our actions have an impact on the big picture. When we take advantage of insurance companies (whether it's auto insurance or health insurance) it affects everyone else. When we take advantage of government programs (even silly ones like "Cash for Clunkers") it affects us all.

Just my two cents. I'll go back to being silly now.

Lady Gaga Fans Stunned

[PARENTAL WARNING ON THIS POST]
Apparently Lady Gaga couldn't make it to her scheduled concert appearance in West Lafayette, Indiana, leaving her fans "distressed" and "stunned" according to today's Indianapolis Star. Looking at the picture from the paper, I think they're spot on. The lady standing on the left is obviously "distressed" over the incident and the gentleman sitting on the right with the big blue purse is "stunned" that he spent all of that time getting his hair and make-up to look perfect for the event. Hopefully he will be able to make it to the rescheduled event and will find the strength to carry on with his course work at nearby Purdue University.

If you haven't experienced some of Lady Gaga's music, you might give it a listen sometime just to educate yourself on what's popular today. I'm not going to provide a link as you don't need it. Our family got a thorough listen to the song "Love Games" at a local grocery store that was played at full volume. Imagine trying to distract your kids in the diverse produce aisle of the international foods grocery store when they want to know what is meant by the line, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick." So much for subtlety.

Book Cover Reviews #2 -It's Your Time

First off, thanks to those of you who commented on my blog. I really do enjoy writing and creating, so it's good to know that there's a small handful of folks out there who read it (besides my wife--and I'm not even sure that she's been reading lately).

Now it's time for the next installment of Book Cover Reviews. These are highly educated book reviews written by me and based solely on the covers of books. This time up is Joel Teethsteen...I mean Osteen and his New York Times bestseller, It's Your Teeth...no, sorry....It's Your Time: Activate Your Faith, Achieve Your Dreams, and Increase in God's Favor. You can find the book on Amazon.com here. (But seriously...PLEASE DON'T BUY THIS BOOK. Go see Avatar instead--for the tenth time.)


Joel Osteen is the Sr. Pastor at America's largest and fastest growing church with over 38,000 members. I hear their after-church pitch-ins are incredible. His messages are seen by millions of people all over the world via television (Jay Leno will be taking over the broadcasts in March).

Obviously, Joel is larger than life as can be seen by his large tusks and large, hair-product enhanced, thick mane. In fact, he's so large in this book that he's three-in-one: The front facing right, the front facing left and the side to accentuate the O-lett (i.e. Osteen Mullet). I can almost hear the conversation that went on between Joel, his team of publicists and the publisher at Free Press...

Osteen Publicist #1: We need to figure out a way to get even more of Joel on the cover of his current book.

Free Press Publisher: We could take a new picture, but Mr. Osteen doesn't really look much different.

Osteen Publicist #2: Mr. Osteen has found so much favor with God that he no longer ages.

Free Press Publisher: (laughing) That's great.

Osteen Publicists #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 (9-32 are working behind the scenes): (dead silence)

Free Press Publisher: You're not joking...so we'll take a new picture of Mr. Osteen's teeth...I mean face...and put it on the mullet...I mean, cover.

Osteen Publicist #3: We'd like to put three pictures of Mr. Osteen on the cover.

Now, if you want "God's Favor" then you will purchase this book--reading it is optional. If you actually read it (or just say that you did) you will learn how to "Activate Your Faith." This is similar to the process required to activate your credit card when you receive it in the mail. You make a phone call to Joel Osteen's worldwide headquarters and give them your pin number, social security number, bank account information with routing number, list of investments with account numbers, name of your firstborn child, etc. Once your faith is "activated" you're able to "achieve your dreams" (as long as your check clears) and "Increase in Joel's favor."

Book Cover Reviews #1 - Food Rules: An Eater's Manual

There's an old adage that goes, "You can't judge a book by it's cover." BULLPUCKY! You can judge a book by a cover and I will. If covers were meaningless then you'd think the book industry would save a boatload of money and utilize generic names...and generic titles, for that matter. Why not just assign numbers to books and post the number on a plain white cover using the Ariel font with a brief explanation of the contents. It might look something like this:


This will be the first installment of what I will call "Book Cover Reviews" where I...JUDGE BOOKS SOLELY BY THE COVERS. I have no plans to read these books as I'm way too busy writing blogs and watching TV (or reading other books). Let's get things started with this little gem: It's Michael Pollan's bestseller, Food Rules: An Eater's Manual.


Here's what the book has to say about itself according to amazon.com:

A pocket compendium of food wisdom-from the author of The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food

Michael Pollan, our nation's most trusted resource for food-related issues, offers this indispensible guide for anyone concerned about health and food. Simple, sensible, and easy to use, Food Rules is a set of memorable rules for eating wisely, many drawn from a variety of ethnic or cultural traditions. Whether at the supermarket or an all-you-can-eat-buffet, this handy, pocket-size resource is the perfect guide for anyone who would like to become more mindful of the food we eat.

Americans are obsessed with eating and the guilt that goes along with it. We probably waste more money on food and guilt-based exercise than any other country in the world. Imagine what we could do if we all ate sensibly and used our leftover money to help out those in need of agricultural resources and food. This book has one simple rule about food:

1. Eat peas. Moreover, eat giant translucent peas, pea pod and all.

That's all you need to know. Giant translucent pea pods are hard to come by. In fact, they are so rare that you'll be lucky to eat--which means you'll keep the weight off due to the constant foraging and the rare occasion that you find one. These pea pods are humongulous and it's safe to assume that one giant pea will be enough for one person to eat off for days. Moreover, the actual pod is also edible and should satiate the needs of a pea pod clan for an additional time period.

I didn't know Michael Pollan before I reviewed his book without reading it, but I know him now (sort of) and I trust him. This pea pod idea is pure genius. The only other issue to deal with is the penguin on the bottom left corner of the cover. I assume that these penguins also hunt for giant pea pods--or, perhaps they are abundant in Antarctica. Once global warming sets in the world will be rich in giant translucent pea poddy goodness (that sounds funny).

One last note: I'd like to thank The Elephant's Child who unknowingly gave me this stupid idea.