Thursday, January 14, 2010

Book Cover Reviews #2 -It's Your Time

First off, thanks to those of you who commented on my blog. I really do enjoy writing and creating, so it's good to know that there's a small handful of folks out there who read it (besides my wife--and I'm not even sure that she's been reading lately).

Now it's time for the next installment of Book Cover Reviews. These are highly educated book reviews written by me and based solely on the covers of books. This time up is Joel Teethsteen...I mean Osteen and his New York Times bestseller, It's Your, sorry....It's Your Time: Activate Your Faith, Achieve Your Dreams, and Increase in God's Favor. You can find the book on here. (But seriously...PLEASE DON'T BUY THIS BOOK. Go see Avatar instead--for the tenth time.)

Joel Osteen is the Sr. Pastor at America's largest and fastest growing church with over 38,000 members. I hear their after-church pitch-ins are incredible. His messages are seen by millions of people all over the world via television (Jay Leno will be taking over the broadcasts in March).

Obviously, Joel is larger than life as can be seen by his large tusks and large, hair-product enhanced, thick mane. In fact, he's so large in this book that he's three-in-one: The front facing right, the front facing left and the side to accentuate the O-lett (i.e. Osteen Mullet). I can almost hear the conversation that went on between Joel, his team of publicists and the publisher at Free Press...

Osteen Publicist #1: We need to figure out a way to get even more of Joel on the cover of his current book.

Free Press Publisher: We could take a new picture, but Mr. Osteen doesn't really look much different.

Osteen Publicist #2: Mr. Osteen has found so much favor with God that he no longer ages.

Free Press Publisher: (laughing) That's great.

Osteen Publicists #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 (9-32 are working behind the scenes): (dead silence)

Free Press Publisher: You're not we'll take a new picture of Mr. Osteen's teeth...I mean face...and put it on the mullet...I mean, cover.

Osteen Publicist #3: We'd like to put three pictures of Mr. Osteen on the cover.
Now, if you want "God's Favor" then you will purchase this book--reading it is optional. If you actually read it (or just say that you did) you will learn how to "Activate Your Faith." This is similar to the process required to activate your credit card when you receive it in the mail. You make a phone call to Joel Osteen's worldwide headquarters and give them your pin number, social security number, bank account information with routing number, list of investments with account numbers, name of your firstborn child, etc. Once your faith is "activated" you're able to "achieve your dreams" (as long as your check clears) and "Increase in Joel's favor."


Rose Starr said...

Well, I still enjoy your blog :)

Joel scares me so I'm taking your advice and seeing Avatar again tonight. For the 3rd time.

Rose Starr said...

Just realized that I left more than one comment...cuz it didn't show up. If I had read the top of your page I would have seen that it was saved for moderation. Silly me.

Elephantschild said...

Publicist #2 may be on to something, there.

Or maybe his face never changes because the teeth are propping it up.

Arby said...

Nice skewer in the final paragraph!

Uvulapie said...

Can I just go watch Dances With Wolves split screened with Pocahontas instead of Avatar?