Wednesday, December 27, 2006

New Words for the Dictionary

I have a creative 13-year-old who sometimes coins his own words without realizing it. In his opinion, these "words" make perfect sense. Today I will share two recent examples he uttered just the other day while we were playing an online video game.

Internetic (in·ter·net·ic) -adjective Possessing or exhibiting the ability to connect to the Internet.

"I like Internetic games like Halo for XBOX because I like to play against other people online."
comebackable (come·back·a·ble) -adjective Possessing or exhibiting the ability to mount a come-from-behind victory when one is losing a game or contest.
"I'm so far behind the leader that I'm not sure if this game is comebackable or not."

Saturday, December 23, 2006

News in HD--YES!

I don't own a high-def TV or even a big screen TV. However, when I learned today that one of my local television stations is going to start broadcasting their daily news in HD, I took out one of those convenient home equity loans to buy the biggest one possible. I want to see what I'm missing.

So, here's a classic example. Last night's news broadcast in regular definition...

Now, here's the same news broadcast in HD...

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

My Conversation with Mike Chappell

So, I was checking out the sports via my local newspaper today and came across the following, seemingly uninteresting story...

Everything seemed "normal" until I got to that last line (highlighted in red). Suddenly, I was being told to do something. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I went ahead with it...

Phone ringing.

Mike Chappell: Hello.
Me: Hey, how's it going?
Mike Chappell: What? Who is this?
Me: Uhhh....I read your article and it said to call.
Mike Chappell: Oh. Well, you're only supposed to call if you have specific comments about the story.
Me: I see. You'd think that you'd spell that out. You know, get the facts right. You are a newspaper, you know.
Mike Chappell: And you're a moron.
Me: What? I'm a reader. How can you say that to me?
Mike Chappell: Did you just read the story online or did you buy a newspaper.
Me: I only read online.
Mike Chappell: That's what I thought. It's people like you that make it hard for people like me to make a living.
Me: There's nothing illegal about what I did.
Mike Chappell: You probably have a blog, too....hey, are you recording this conversation?


Now, let me just say that parts of this conversation were embellished slightly. In fact, the entire thing was totally made up. Inspiration for my blog was light today. Actually, I've never had a conversation with Mike Chappell. I've never had a conversation with anyone. I watch a lot of Star Trek and What's Happenin' reruns.

Monday, December 18, 2006

"European" makes it better

Usually, when you put the word, "European" before something, it makes it sound more appealing. Who wants just plain pastries when you can have, "European Pastries?" Who wants ordinary chocolate when "European Chocolate" sounds so much better? But this rule isn't foolproof. I'm not so sure that "European NASCAR" would be any better than regular, horrific NASCAR. Nor would there be any perceived advantage to purchasing "European Wart Removal Bandages." Furthermore, while a "European Facial" seems exhilarating, a "European Back Hair Shave" is probably just like any other back hair shave.

Monday, December 11, 2006

My Trip to Sam's Club

I'm a big fan of Costco for wholesale. They employ one of my family members and I really like the products they offer. However, they don't sell flavored coffees (something my wife requires in order to live), so I ventured to Sam's Club recently with my pal, Brian. We were able to get the coffee, which was great, but while we were there I realized that I've been missing out on the whole Sam's Club (aka Walmart on steroids) experience. According to genuine in-store signage hanging from the unfinished ceiling, isle 23 of this particular location is dedicated to, and I quote, "Canned Meat, Nachos, Olives" (nothing else!) Never, in all of my dreams, did I ever imagine an entire wholesale club mega isle could be devoted to these three product categories. In fact, I never even imagined that these three offerings were so closely related until I saw it for myself. I'm seriously considering switching my membership from Costco or pulling double duty.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Guitar Hero or Guitar Doofus?

Forgive me for borrowing from the name of my blog for today's entry, but I had another disturbing experience to share and couldn't come up with any other way to express it. I was in a major department store today (I will not name names, but it's Walmart) and noticed an adult sitting on a display stack of DVD boxes while holding and "playing" a fake guitar. As it turns out, he was playing the "Guitar Hero" video game. Imagine a game where you hold a full sized fake electric guitar, hitting buttons that have nothing to do with actually playing a guitar while you stare at a television screen to see your...results. Now, imagine that you're doing this in the middle of a crowded department store. Now, imagine that you're an adult...with kids...and a mortgage...and you probably speak several dialects of Klingon. You get the picture.

Wednesday, December 6, 2006


I'm not comfortable with the slang word, Lil' used in place of the word, little (or big 'ol in place of "big old" or simply "big"). In fact, the whole idea of anyone purposefully using these terms scares me. It even becomes worse when these words are combined with other slang phrases like gangsta (e.g. Lil' Gangsta in the world of hip-hop) Surprisingly, you rarely see this term used in conjunction with prescription medications, (e.g. Lil' Lipitor, Big 'Ol Zoloft, etc.).

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

What I Do in the Bathroom

Even though I've walked this earth for over 37 years, I'm still very private about using the bathroom. I'm very fortunate in that my current office has two private bathrooms, so you never have to worry about sharing. I also like the fact that no one can see you going into the bathroom or leaving the bathroom*. So, no one can see that I'm taking in a magazine to read (not that it really matters). Just to see how foolproof this theory is, tomorrow I'm going to see if I can sneak in an emu without anyone seeing.

*I work for a surveillance manufacturer, which explains how I know how to spell the word, "surveillance." It also makes the entire point of my post completely pointless. Sue me.

Monday, December 4, 2006

Smoking and Shaving--together at last?

During my morning commute (about a 30 mile drive each way) I noticed a man behind me smoking a cigarette and shaving while driving. Obviously, there are safety issues with this type of activity, but I'm more intrigued with the idea of combining two things that I never had imagined: smoking and shaving,--together at last. I'm not a smoker, but I have been known to shave on occasion. Sometimes I shave at parties or when everyone else is shaving and I can quit anytime I want (really, I can!!!). But to think that I'm missing out on the smoke-shave experience makes me want to run to the nearest "Smokes 4 Less" store (ironically, these stores are always located near or connected to liquor stores, cash advance stores and gun shops). It's the holiday season--the time when companies like Norelco, Braun and Remington unleash the latest in shaving technology--why have they been holding out on the smoke-shave phenomenon? Is the government keeping this a secret? Does the smoke make shaving more pleasurable? Or, is the shaving experience so great that one wishes to smoke upon completing the act?

Sunday, December 3, 2006

A "Good Cry"

This afternoon my wife informed me that her sister had a few hours to herself as a gift from her husband. He graciously took the kids to breakfast so she could be alone to enjoy some me time. During this time she shared that she had a "good cry." As a child owner (we have three that we are renting to own), I know the value of any time one can have without the kids around (I love them dearly, but it's nice to have some time alone). When I get a little me time, I have a few things that I like to do: play my guitar, watch a movie, eat lots of ice cream, etc. But a "good cry" doesn't make the list. In fact, I cannot remember the time that I had a "good" cry. For me, crying is usually associated with the loss of a loved one or a Colts game and puts me in a foul mood for a long time. However, I'm willing to give anything a good try, so I'm going to sit here for the next few minutes, attempting to cry. If this is so great, I want in on it....

Well, I gave it my best shot but got distracted when the Colts - Titans game came on. The Colts lost and I feel like crap.

Friday, December 1, 2006

The scariest looking man in broadcasting

As an IndyCar fan (and all open wheel racing, for that matter), today (December 1, 2006) marks the day that Danica Patrick begins her career with the Andretti Green racing team. She was also in the news recently as she received an award from the March of Dimes. The award was presented by Frank Deford, a well known sports broadcaster and columnist. Can anyone tell me what kind of look this guy is going for? (not that anyone reads this)

Then it occurred to me--it's the late Vincent Price with shoulder pads. I'm pretty sure there have been other men (public and private) that have carried on this look for some reason or other. They might be genetically linked to the guys who carry on the handlebar mustache look. I plan on testing this theory in the lab over the weekend.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Something to say today?

I have nothing to add today, but I feel the need to post, anyway--even if no one is reading my blog. Clearly the medication is working.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Spice up your food orders at restaurants

The next time you make a trip to a restaurant or even a fast food establishment, tell the person helping you that you want your order served, "granny style" and then slip the waiter a $20 bill.