The Latest Innovations in Beer

There's a certain stigma about beer in this country. I don't think it's the same around the world but in America there are several varieties of cheap beer that flood the market (e.g. Budweiser, Miller and Coors are the "Big 3"). These brews are not normally consumed the same way that a finely crafted beer or glass of wine is appreciated. The idea is to drink them in mass quantities and as quickly as possible. Why else would a beer company use a slogan like "less filling?" The idea here is that you can drink MORE beer and still have the same desired affect.

One of the biggest (self proclaimed) "innovators" in this industry is the Coors Brewing Company out of Golden, Colorado. Their recent technological breakthroughs include the following:

• Super Cold Draft: Somehow, this allows you to enjoy a glass of beer that is actually below the freezing point. I'm not sure how they do this, but it probably involves the same chemicals the city puts on the roads in the winter to thaw out the ice. Plus, you know something is good when you use the word, "super" to describe it. So, you can go ahead and pour yourself a regular cold draft or really go for it and slam down a SUPER cold one.
• Frost Brew Liner: This represents some sort of nanometer plastic coating that is painted on the inside of the can that "protects the refreshing taste of its beer." It's also tinted blue and this is important because anything that is blue is good.
  
• Plastic Bottle Cooler Box: Here's a great idea: turn your case of beer into a cooler buy filling it with ice. The "Cooler Box" has some sort of mysterious properties that allow the box to function as a cooler. I guess it's assumed that many beer drinkers don't own refrigerators or even coolers, for that matter. Oh, and in case there's any confusion, you're only supposed to use the cooler box once and then throw it away. In fact, after midnight, the box turns back into a pumpkin--which could also be filled with ice and used as a cooler if you think about it.
  
• Cold Activated Bottle: This is the big one that you've all seen if you own a television. If you own a refrigerator or have access to ice and a Plastic Bottle Cooler Box you can now tell if your beer is cold by looking at the bottle. When the beer is cold enough to drink the mountains on the label with turn...you guessed it...BLUE.
  

As I was driving into work this morning I noticed a billboard touting the latest beer innovation from Golden, Colorado: the Vented Wide Mouth Can. I scoured the Internet for a picture of this thing but came up short--sorry folks. The Vented Wide Mouth Can provides a big opening in the top of the can with a vent that allows air to flow through while pouring. The end result is a better, faster pour. Now you can drink more, drink faster and pour more smoothly...and faster.

FROM THE OFFICIAL COORS PRESS RELEASE:
"We know from talking to beer drinkers that more than half of them do not like the way their beer pours from a can and want a smoother pour,” said Lee Dolan, vice president of marketing for the Coors family of brands, Coors Brewing Company. “The Vented Wide Mouth is the latest step in our attempt to create a can that drinks like a frosty glass. On Tax Day, we’re giving beer drinkers a better way to Vent.”

Apparently, beer drinkers cannot afford refrigerators, coolers and now frosty glasses.

Here's an idea, instead of spending millions of dollars on innovations for beer packaging, how about throwing down a few dollars to make it taste better? I'm sorry. Not only am I a coffee snob. I'm also a beer snob. If you're going to partake in something, why not make it good? It's obvious to me that as much as the big three beer makers say they want people to drink responsibly, they really want people to drink A LOT and they make it as brainless as possible.