Friday, April 11, 2008

The Latest Innovations in Beer

There's a certain stigma about beer in this country. I don't think it's the same around the world but in America there are several varieties of cheap beer that flood the market (e.g. Budweiser, Miller and Coors are the "Big 3"). These brews are not normally consumed the same way that a finely crafted beer or glass of wine is appreciated. The idea is to drink them in mass quantities and as quickly as possible. Why else would a beer company use a slogan like "less filling?" The idea here is that you can drink MORE beer and still have the same desired affect.

One of the biggest (self proclaimed) "innovators" in this industry is the Coors Brewing Company out of Golden, Colorado. Their recent technological breakthroughs include the following:

  • Super Cold Draft: Somehow, this allows you to enjoy a glass of beer that is actually below the freezing point. I'm not sure how they do this, but it probably involves the same chemicals the city puts on the roads in the winter to thaw out the ice. Plus, you know something is good when you use the word, "super" to describe it. So, you can go ahead and pour yourself a regular cold draft or really go for it and slam down a SUPER cold one.
  • Frost Brew Liner: This represents some sort of nanometer plastic coating that is painted on the inside of the can that "protects the refreshing taste of its beer." It's also tinted blue and this is important because anything that is blue is good.
  • Plastic Bottle Cooler Box: Here's a great idea: turn your case of beer into a cooler buy filling it with ice. The "Cooler Box" has some sort of mysterious properties that allow the box to function as a cooler. I guess it's assumed that many beer drinkers don't own refrigerators or even coolers, for that matter. Oh, and in case there's any confusion, you're only supposed to use the cooler box once and then throw it away. In fact, after midnight, the box turns back into a pumpkin--which could also be filled with ice and used as a cooler if you think about it.
  • Cold Activated Bottle: This is the big one that you've all seen if you own a television. If you own a refrigerator or have access to ice and a Plastic Bottle Cooler Box you can now tell if your beer is cold by looking at the bottle. When the beer is cold enough to drink the mountains on the label with guessed it...BLUE.
As I was driving into work this morning I noticed a billboard touting the latest beer innovation from Golden, Colorado: the Vented Wide Mouth Can. I scoured the Internet for a picture of this thing but came up short--sorry folks. The Vented Wide Mouth Can provides a big opening in the top of the can with a vent that allows air to flow through while pouring. The end result is a better, faster pour. Now you can drink more, drink faster and pour more smoothly...and faster.
"We know from talking to beer drinkers that more than half of them do not like the way their beer pours from a can and want a smoother pour,” said Lee Dolan, vice president of marketing for the Coors family of brands, Coors Brewing Company. “The Vented Wide Mouth is the latest step in our attempt to create a can that drinks like a frosty glass. On Tax Day, we’re giving beer drinkers a better way to Vent.”
Apparently, beer drinkers cannot afford refrigerators, coolers and now frosty glasses.

Here's an idea, instead of spending millions of dollars on innovations for beer packaging, how about throwing down a few dollars to make it taste better? I'm sorry. Not only am I a coffee snob. I'm also a beer snob. If you're going to partake in something, why not make it good? It's obvious to me that as much as the big three beer makers say they want people to drink responsibly, they really want people to drink A LOT and they make it as brainless as possible.


Uvulapie said...

Speaking of which, I haven't had me a Newcastle in years... I've been concentrating on trying to get a taste for Lavoris and Wild Irish Rose.

Scott said...

So what's YOUR preference?

Randy said...

Well, Rog, I'm not a coffee or a beer snob. However, your article was very enligtening! I'm going on a tangent here. But, I am a Dr. Pepper fanatic. Do you know why Dr. Pepper tasted better in the sixties? (If anyone remembers back that far.) They used "real" sugar. However, soda makers found out that using high fructose corn syrup was cheaper. Hence, Dr. Pepper lost its original taste. But, thankfully, you can still purchase the "original" formula from the bottlers of Dr. Pepper in and around Dallas. When I visited my friend Roland there, I was able to savor the taste of old.

So, even though I cannot relate to the beer debacle, I can still sympathize. I wonder, do you think Dr. Pepper might come out with a new "vented" can? I'm just sayin'!

Big Doofus said...

Scott: Hmmm. Where do I begin? Newcastle, most of the Samuel Adams varieties, Blue Moon (which is actually owned by one of the big three), Corona, Leinenkugel, Hacker Pschorr, Stella Artois, and then you get into the tapist monk brews. Very good stuff, indeed.

Randy: It's called Dublin Dr. Pepper and you're right--it's SO MUCH BETTER. We have relatives in the are and will have them pick some up for us from time to time. Miss Sniz is also a Dr. Pepper snob.

Toni said...

Schlitz. I just like to say it. Everyone!!!....Schlitz.

shay said...

I think you and my hubby could be friends. He both a coffee and beer snob as well! I can't stand the stuff. Micro brewed, draft, import or can the stuff all tastes bad bad bad to me!
He seems to be on a Corona kick right now as I need to make sure to always have limes lol. WEIRD!

In all fairness though, I like the odd hard liquor drink and he can't stand that so... we're even.

Rebekah said...

I love you take on the advertising. Gave me a good chuckle this morning.

Sniz said...

It took you a few days from your last entry where you said you were gonna "try harder tomorrow", but you lived up to that promise. This was a great (and very true) entry. Although I have to agree with Toni...Schlitz is fun to say. But not so fun to drink...I assume, since I only drink Colt 45 myself---oh wait, is that a gun? Oh, I've made a hopeless mess of this. Good thing you have to love me, BD!

JAM said...

It's the same with tooth brushes. They are always advertising some new technical advance in the tooth brush, 'cause they're just trying to get you to buy a new one.

Lovely Wife falls for the "new and improved" line every. single. time.

My life mainly consists of finishing the old tube of toothpaste, the last half of her women's deodorant, the final third of the previous bottle of new and improved shampoo and so on.

Sure am glad she don't drink, 'cause I would have to start drinking myself to finish off all the old beer can technology beer in the fridge.

That stuff tastes nas-TEE!