Closed Captioned for the Hearing Impaired Swill Drinkers

There are two HUGE beer companies in America: Anheuser Busch (i.e. Budweiser) and Miller-Coors. They are fighting for every piece of the market in this country (and the world, but that's another matter). One way to gain new customers would be to create beers that actually taste good. We can only assume that they've written this idea off as a bad idea. The other way is to come up with all kids of gimmicks on the beer cans and bottles to trick you into thinking that there's something good about a bad beer. I've posted on this subject before and I'll probably do it again.

Such is the case with a recent commercial for Coors Light. The message is that the swill in the bottle still tastes like the swill that it is. However, you can now tell when your swill is cold without ever having to open your case. We all know that beverages in the refrigerator stay cooler when you put a layer of cardboard around them, right? No, but I digress.

Aside from the fact that this is just another lame attempt to get Americans to buy more swill, I wonder what the deaf community thinks about it. Normally I have the closed captions turned off on my TV, but my old set likes to turn them on for me randomly. Take a look at the captions created for this commercial in the following screen shots. Note that these are horrible pictures because you can see me in the reflection of the glass. But they're still hilarious:

Let's get started. The first actual words are from the wife (I assume!) trying to seduce her husband. I believe she asks, "Do you like what you see?" However, the deaf community understands it as, "YOU LIHAT YOE?"

The man doesn't notice his wife and instead is intrigued with the swill (what a moron). He replies with, "Yeah. When did Coors Light get these new windows?" which is concisely translated as "WHEN Coorsht GET THNE!" It's apparently an exclamation in the hearing impaired community...and they left out an "i" in "Coorsht." :)

The wife is not sure what the husband is asking and he reiterates, "Windows." Sadly, the deaf community is left with, "WINDOWHANK Y." Maybe there's some truth here. Is the husband passing up on "HANKY" for watered down beer with windows? Hmmm.

The announcer (or "Annou") comes on and says, "Introducing the new Coors Light..." and the closed caption readers get "INTRODG THE Coors t" --whatever.

Mr. Announcer goes on about the "New Cold Activation Window," otherwise known as the "1d Action WI, HANK Y" which must be shorthand for "WINDOWHANKY."

"Now you can see your beer is cold before..." turns into, "YOU CAE YOURR ISD BEFOOU BUYrs t." Wait a minute. I figured it out. The Closed Caption guy or gal may have had one too many swills. Let this be a lesson to you all. Don't drink and write closed captions for the hearing impaired community!

Mr. Clueless just now realizes there are lit candles in his room. "This is a fire hazard," he notes while putting out a candle with his swill bottle. Which equals, "THIS IFIRE HD." It's an Apple iFire in High Def.

The announcer is back with, "Frost brewed Coors Light," which is flawlessly recorded as "RR FRBREWEDrs Ligrs t." Isn't a Ligr a cross between a lion and a tiger, bred for it's skills in magic?

"The World's Most Refreshing Beer," is reduced to "THRLD'S REGREG BE."

And just so you know. I've seen this commercial several times on the air since I originally recorded it and the closed captions are the same.

Cleaning Up My Blog

I was looking over the last three entries of my blog and I noticed that my last three posts have been about beer, sex and poop. The only way I can go from here is up, right?

So, I thought I'd lay out a few bible verses to clean things up a bit. I hope you enjoy them:

"Come," each one cries, "let me get wine! Let us drink our fill of beer! And tomorrow will be like today, or even far better." (Isaiah 56:12)

How handsome you are, my lover!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant. (Song of Solomon 1:16)

Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself. 13 As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement. (Deuteronomy 23:12-13)

There. That's better.

WARNING: THERE'S AN EVEN MORE GRAPHIC VERSE IN THE COMMENTS. BUT IT'S REAL--RIGHT OUT OF THE NIV TEXT.

The Latest Innovations in Beer

There's a certain stigma about beer in this country. I don't think it's the same around the world but in America there are several varieties of cheap beer that flood the market (e.g. Budweiser, Miller and Coors are the "Big 3"). These brews are not normally consumed the same way that a finely crafted beer or glass of wine is appreciated. The idea is to drink them in mass quantities and as quickly as possible. Why else would a beer company use a slogan like "less filling?" The idea here is that you can drink MORE beer and still have the same desired affect.

One of the biggest (self proclaimed) "innovators" in this industry is the Coors Brewing Company out of Golden, Colorado. Their recent technological breakthroughs include the following:

• Super Cold Draft: Somehow, this allows you to enjoy a glass of beer that is actually below the freezing point. I'm not sure how they do this, but it probably involves the same chemicals the city puts on the roads in the winter to thaw out the ice. Plus, you know something is good when you use the word, "super" to describe it. So, you can go ahead and pour yourself a regular cold draft or really go for it and slam down a SUPER cold one.
• Frost Brew Liner: This represents some sort of nanometer plastic coating that is painted on the inside of the can that "protects the refreshing taste of its beer." It's also tinted blue and this is important because anything that is blue is good.
  
• Plastic Bottle Cooler Box: Here's a great idea: turn your case of beer into a cooler buy filling it with ice. The "Cooler Box" has some sort of mysterious properties that allow the box to function as a cooler. I guess it's assumed that many beer drinkers don't own refrigerators or even coolers, for that matter. Oh, and in case there's any confusion, you're only supposed to use the cooler box once and then throw it away. In fact, after midnight, the box turns back into a pumpkin--which could also be filled with ice and used as a cooler if you think about it.
  
• Cold Activated Bottle: This is the big one that you've all seen if you own a television. If you own a refrigerator or have access to ice and a Plastic Bottle Cooler Box you can now tell if your beer is cold by looking at the bottle. When the beer is cold enough to drink the mountains on the label with turn...you guessed it...BLUE.
  

As I was driving into work this morning I noticed a billboard touting the latest beer innovation from Golden, Colorado: the Vented Wide Mouth Can. I scoured the Internet for a picture of this thing but came up short--sorry folks. The Vented Wide Mouth Can provides a big opening in the top of the can with a vent that allows air to flow through while pouring. The end result is a better, faster pour. Now you can drink more, drink faster and pour more smoothly...and faster.

FROM THE OFFICIAL COORS PRESS RELEASE:
"We know from talking to beer drinkers that more than half of them do not like the way their beer pours from a can and want a smoother pour,” said Lee Dolan, vice president of marketing for the Coors family of brands, Coors Brewing Company. “The Vented Wide Mouth is the latest step in our attempt to create a can that drinks like a frosty glass. On Tax Day, we’re giving beer drinkers a better way to Vent.”

Apparently, beer drinkers cannot afford refrigerators, coolers and now frosty glasses.

Here's an idea, instead of spending millions of dollars on innovations for beer packaging, how about throwing down a few dollars to make it taste better? I'm sorry. Not only am I a coffee snob. I'm also a beer snob. If you're going to partake in something, why not make it good? It's obvious to me that as much as the big three beer makers say they want people to drink responsibly, they really want people to drink A LOT and they make it as brainless as possible.

Manly Blogging Award

I just want to thank my wife, Miss Sniz, for giving me this very special blogging award:

She didn't think that I'd actually post it on my blog!!! Nothing says, "Manly Man" like two kittens cuddling in a field of warm green grass. Thanks, sweets. In order to MAN-IT-UP a few notches, I've decided to add a few things via the magic of Photoshop. These are just a few attempts. If you have better ideas, please let me know.

1. BEER - There's just something manly about a big bottle of Budweiser and these kitties are enjoying The High Life (wait, that's Miller--oh well).


2. BOWLING - Bowling is also a very manly activity. Plus, Albert Einstein and Stephan Hawking proved that beer and bowling are scientifically linked. You can look it up online.


3. CHAINSAWS - Now here's a masculine activity--staring at power tools. Besides the hammer (nature's purest tool) the chainsaw is the perfect solution to just about any household or yard related problem. You can't see their faces, but you know they're lovin' this 20" Craftsman. Oh, and notice how even the brand Craftsman has the word MAN in it. Perfect!


4. FOOTBALL - This is where it all comes together. For this image I removed the kitties from their usual setting and brought them to a place where guys can be guys--the gridiron (i.e. football field). What's better than watching the game with your friends on tv? Being at the game! What's better than just being at the game? Being on the sidelines to see the action up close? What's better than being on the sidelines? Being on the field of play. However, these little guys might be just a little too close. More than likely, they're going to get run over by Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints and the pursuing Eagles defender. Plus, if Reggie Bush's touchdown counts, they may may have to dodge a spiked ball. LOOK OUT, KITTIES!!!!

A FEW OTHER NOTES: I changed the text to a font called "Bloody" and made it red. I also decided that this picture should be sponsored by Nike. Finally, some of you may object to the manliness of one kitty putting his arm around the other. Normally, guys don't do that. But when the setting is a football game, that changes everything.