Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Speaking of Duds - Arby is Back

Arby is back!

No, I'm not talking about the roast beef fast food restaurant (besides, I was always a Rax fan). Many of you might remember an old blog called Arby's Archives that disappeared a while ago. This is a free country, but as it turns out, you cannot just make up anything you want about Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken wearing nothing but thongs and sombreros in a city park without a lawsuit on your hands. Go figure. I think he settled out of court and has finished cleaning their swimming pools with a toothbrush.

But seriously, he just gave up blogging for a while and now he's back. Be sure to check out his new blog called Boarding In Bedlam.

Monday, April 27, 2009

"I Got a Dud"

Before I can tell this story, I need to preface it just a bit. I go to a small, non-denominational church in a west side suburb of Indianapolis. We have communion every other week. I don't care to get into a communion debate on this blog entry. I'm certainly open to talking about my views on the subject, but I don't think this post is the time and place. But it IS necessary for me to explain how we do communion at our church so the story makes sense (for those two or three readers who do not already attend the same church that I attend).

We make our own unleavened loaf of bread for communion and serve it with grape juice. Those who are participating in communion simply come up to the front of the room in a line to pull off a piece of bread and get a small cup of the juice sitting on a fancy table to bring back to their seat. The juice is served in a small disposable plastic cup made specifically for communion services. Many of you have seen these before. They look like this...

If you've had any experience with them, you know that occasionally you'll get a bad batch of cups that leak--not good when you're taking the time to reflect on the blood and body of Christ shed on the cross, but sometimes it just happens. (We recently tried to switch over to the reusable glass cups, but the verdict is still out on these with our congregation.)

While we don't have assigned seats at church, many of you know that certain people sit in the same seats each week (I'm guilty of that, too--if it's a crime). One such person is Darrel (that's not his real name--I'm changing it for this blog). He's the grandfather of good friends of ours (the wife is a blogger) and has been a member for at least three or four years (I really don't know). Darrel is an older widower who is the kind of man that would do anything for anyone. He loves the Word of God and has a great sense of humor. His voice is deep and resonant (I wish we could get him to sing bass in our ensemble group).

Since he sits in the back row, he's usually one of the last (if not the last) to get his bread and cup. I almost always sit in one of the front rows (it makes me better than you!!!) and get to see everyone coming up to receive the bread and juice--something that I really love.

It shouldn't surprise you at this point when I tell you that Darrel's cup had a leak. He picked it up and started walking down the aisle towards his seat when he realized that there were only a few drops of juice left. Upon realizing that his cup was empty, he stopped and turned back to the table to get another cup. He looked up at the Elder who was performing the communion service and who also has a great sense of humor, and whispered, "I got a dud."

I have not heard the word, "dud" in quite a long time. In my experience, it's usually associated with faulty fireworks (e.g. a fire-cracker that just sizzles and smokes instead of popping). For some reason, this simple remark set me off laughing. It took me at least ten minutes to recover. Sure, I could go on about the fact that we never get "duds" from Christ to create some sort of spiritual significance to this post, but I won't. Darrel's comment was succinct and just plain funny. I noticed that the pastor (my father-in-law) and the Elder leading the service also took a few minutes to recover. I'm not sure if anyone else will think that it's that funny, but I thought I'd share it with all 17 of you.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Cough, Sniff or Clear Throat - Know It

I have a few ladies that read this blog, so I've decided to let them in on a little known men's bathroom code. I'm not talking about which urinal to use when a guy walks into the bathroom. That's been highly publicized. If you're the only one peeing and you have the entire row to choose from, you're safe to pick any urinal, but you're smart to take one on either end. If you walk in and see someone on one end (a smart guy), you always take the other end. The bottom line is that you never pee next to someone unless you have no choice. I'm pretty sure it's the law here in Indiana, but I'd have to check to make sure.

What I want to bring up is the automatic cough, sniff or throat clearing that one does when he's the only man in the bathroom and he's not at the urinal (if you know what I mean) when someone else walks in. It's very important that you cough, sniff (note that this has nothing to do with trying to smell anything), or clear your throat when you're in there all alone and someone else walks in. This sends a message: "There's someone else in here. Don't think that you're alone in the bathroom and can do anything you want or make any noise you want to make." Trust me, the last thing any guy wants is to be in the room when another thinks he's all by himself.

Men, you probably know what I'm talking about.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Dog and Pony Show

The expression, "dog and pony show" has really caught on here at the office. When one of the sales guys is getting ready to go out on what is likely to be a small scale sales call (yes, they are ALL important) he usually says that he's "heading out for a little dog and pony show." Just seconds ago someone stopped by my desk to ask about one of the sales guys and I said, "He's out doing a little dog and pony show." It went off without a hitch. He knew exactly what I meant and went back to his desk. Obviously, this phrase works here.

So, where did it come from? A highly reliable source (Wikipedia) notes that it had something to do with actual dog and pony shows that were much like circus acts but not big enough for the big top. But I have a hard time imagining getting excited about watching dogs and ponies. What could they possibly do to get me out of the house on a weekend? Maybe this is what people did before Al Gore invented the Interwebs.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Fresh face Zac Efron from Nickelodeon's High School Musical movies (I think they made thirty of them) and tv shows like The Suite Life of Zack and Cody has hit the big time with 17 Again, a movie about a middle aged man who wakes up one day as a 17 year old with a chance to do it all over again.

What a great idea for a movie--an older person gets to be young again. It must be great because I can think of four movies just like this right off the top of my head:

  • Big
  • Freaky Friday (which featured another A-list child actor)
  • 13 Going on 30
  • Never Been Kissed
I realize that Hollywood doesn't pride itself on originality, but this theme seems to come back over and over again.

I came up with four in a matter of seconds and I'm sure I'll recall others. You probably know of some, too. Please feel free to share by leaving a comment and I'll come up with a master list. This is important.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

How to Send Your Friends to Jail

I come up with some great ideas from time to time...ideas that I'd never actually follow through with because they are so incredibly wrong. But I thought that I'd at least take the time to share this one. While looking for something in my friend's glove compartment while he was driving me to lunch I noticed his Registration card and thought that it would be hilarious to write the following on the back of the card:

"Officer, I really don't want this ticket to go against my driving record. Would $200 make it go away."
Boy, wouldn't that be funny?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Has Facebook Taken Over My Desire to Blog

I love Facebook because it's just so easy to post something about your day and see what everyone else is up to. Since I've gotten into it I haven't been blogging as much. But I'm not about to let this thing die as I've been working on it for quite some time now. Besides, I wouldn't want to let down both of my regular readers.

Additionally, I find that I can go on with much more detail on my blog about life, earwax, meow meow butterpants, etc.

How about the rest of you...has Facebook had an impact on your blogging?

Monday, April 13, 2009

REAL Football Players - Chuck Bednarik

Today's top NFL football players are complete athletes who takes their profession seriously: twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks out of the year. They exercise year-round and take care of their bodies or risk losing their job to someone in better shape. That's just what is expected of them today.

But back in the day, NFL players were a different breed. A classic example was Chuck Bednarik. While Bednarik was known for his prowess on defense, he was one of the last to play on both sides of the field. I was watching a special on him recently and for just a few seconds they flashed the following picture of him on the screen...

Now here's a guy who takes something seriously. And that something is SMOKING. Sure, any lightweight can smoke one cigarette or one cigar. But it takes a real man, a multi-purpose athlete like Chuck Bednarik to smoke them both at the same time--while in his NFL uniform.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Give Your Kid a Camera

I predict that in ten years or less you will be able to get a digital camera as a free toy in a McDonald's Happy Meal. I'm only half kidding. The price of digital cameras has dropped so much that it's no big deal for a child to have one. In fact, if you kids have cell phones they probably already have a phone.

Just like anything, a child can get into trouble with technology and abuse it (the same can be said for adults). But my ten year old girl, "Snip", has a camera and I love to look at the things she decides photograph. Here's a sample of some of her most recent work...

1. Legs Dangling Behind Bunk bed

2. Snip's Favorite Bible

3. Cousin Kylie

(True story: Kylie lives three houses down from us and we recently discovered that we are related!)

4. Sasha the Build-a-Bear Striking a Pose

5. Crab Tree Falls

This last picture is spectacular. Be sure to click on it to see a larger version. This little girl may have an eye for photography.

Thanks for stopping by, "sherly"

If you own a blog, I'm sure you've seen phony replies to your posts where someone just hopes to create a link to their web site or blog on yours. Today I got one that read as follows:

I read over your blog and i found it inquisitive. yesterday i visit [INSERT STUPID LINK HERE]. This is also a good site for information. You may also visit.
It's nice to know that my blog is curious and asks questions.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My Amazing Ears

Some people have self cleaning ovens. I have self cleaning ears. It's a gift that I have to live with in great humility as I'm sure you will all be jealous. My ears seem to produce more wax than the average Joe or average Big Doofus. If I could figure out a way to harness the wax producing power of my ears, I could probably start my own self-sustaining candle company--but that would be time consuming...and gross.

But thankfully, I don't have to spend a lot of money on Q-Tips because my ears clean themselves. I just wish that I could get them on some sort of schedule so I'd know what to expect. When my ears go into self-cleaning mode, I usually hear the faintest tap--like a lonely koala bear tapping it's paw on the protruding belly of a docile albino rhinoceros (and I have no idea what that means but it sounds cool). Once I hear that tap, I know that my ears are in cleaning mode. On many occasions, I can just tilt my head and it's all done. I'm sure this grosses some of you out--sorry. But there are other times when my powerful ears will shoot giant chunks of ear wax across a room (or at least a foot away from my ear). I'm NOT making this up. I've seen it happen on numerous occasions and it's become a source of humor for me and my bride. When that happens and you're in front of people, how do you explain it? I haven't figured out a way to do that just yet. Maybe I could tape up my ears whenever I'm in public.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I'm Back...big whoop

First off I'd like to apologize to both of my regular readers for NOT posting in so long. Honestly, I've been very busy with work and haven't had the chance or motivation to contribute to this blog. Facebook makes it easier to post bits and pieces of your life whereas a blog requires one to actually think through what it is they plan to say (with the possible exception of this post which, if you think about it, is about nothing at all and just an excuse for me to write a very long run-on sentence. sentence fragment.).

My company had a big trade show in Las Vegas which took me there for a week. Plus, there was all of the planning and worrying (something that I do well) to get there. But now that it's over, I hope to get back into this blog and have something to say other than "meow meow butterpants." In case you're wondering, I didn't lose a penny in Las Vegas--because I didn't gamble anything. It's not that I'm totally against gambling, but I find no enjoyment in casino gambling. I'd much rather play cards with good friends.

I successfully posted. Big whoop.

Good Day.