Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My Amazing Ears

Some people have self cleaning ovens. I have self cleaning ears. It's a gift that I have to live with in great humility as I'm sure you will all be jealous. My ears seem to produce more wax than the average Joe or average Big Doofus. If I could figure out a way to harness the wax producing power of my ears, I could probably start my own self-sustaining candle company--but that would be time consuming...and gross.

But thankfully, I don't have to spend a lot of money on Q-Tips because my ears clean themselves. I just wish that I could get them on some sort of schedule so I'd know what to expect. When my ears go into self-cleaning mode, I usually hear the faintest tap--like a lonely koala bear tapping it's paw on the protruding belly of a docile albino rhinoceros (and I have no idea what that means but it sounds cool). Once I hear that tap, I know that my ears are in cleaning mode. On many occasions, I can just tilt my head and it's all done. I'm sure this grosses some of you out--sorry. But there are other times when my powerful ears will shoot giant chunks of ear wax across a room (or at least a foot away from my ear). I'm NOT making this up. I've seen it happen on numerous occasions and it's become a source of humor for me and my bride. When that happens and you're in front of people, how do you explain it? I haven't figured out a way to do that just yet. Maybe I could tape up my ears whenever I'm in public.

7 comments:

Mr. E said...

That is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. You should try ear-candleing (? spelling). It may help a little.

At least you haven't blinded anyone with your projectile ear wax.

Oh, man that's funny.

Arby said...

You could make a lot of money on the carny circuit if you could only hit a bullseye...

Chris said...

Would that be called "waxing poetic"? This is one of the more disgusting things I've read in quite some time. Congratulations.

Sniz said...

BD, this is truly one of the funniest, if not THE funniest things you've ever written. (If I can get over the "ick" factor!)

eally said...

My son has the absolute worst problem with wax buildup too!! UGH! We use Debrox on his ears a few times a week. Mr. E mentioned it (I was going to suggest it for you too) - ear candling - where you stick a wick type thing in your ear and light it and as the wick burns down it takes all the dirt and wax out of your ear. I have seen it done and seen the after effects...pretty gross stuff that comes out of the ear. YUCK!

Qtpies7 said...

Well, as gross as that is, it could be worse. My husband produces tons of wax, too. But his doesn't come out. Hit builds up until I have to go in with a tweezers and pull out gigantic pieces of hard wax that build a plug in his ear and cut off his hearing.

hunnybeemay said...

My kids have really waxy ears too. We just had a major ear cleaning day today. I know that you aren't supposed to do that, but sheesh...even the doctor has complained that he can't see in their ears! I've seen that candleing thing done on t.v.
I'd try it. I wouldn't recommend doing yourself though.
And, omg....it actually shoots out your ear? That is amazing.