My Amazing Ears

Some people have self cleaning ovens. I have self cleaning ears. It's a gift that I have to live with in great humility as I'm sure you will all be jealous. My ears seem to produce more wax than the average Joe or average Big Doofus. If I could figure out a way to harness the wax producing power of my ears, I could probably start my own self-sustaining candle company--but that would be time consuming...and gross.

But thankfully, I don't have to spend a lot of money on Q-Tips because my ears clean themselves. I just wish that I could get them on some sort of schedule so I'd know what to expect. When my ears go into self-cleaning mode, I usually hear the faintest tap--like a lonely koala bear tapping it's paw on the protruding belly of a docile albino rhinoceros (and I have no idea what that means but it sounds cool). Once I hear that tap, I know that my ears are in cleaning mode. On many occasions, I can just tilt my head and it's all done. I'm sure this grosses some of you out--sorry. But there are other times when my powerful ears will shoot giant chunks of ear wax across a room (or at least a foot away from my ear). I'm NOT making this up. I've seen it happen on numerous occasions and it's become a source of humor for me and my bride. When that happens and you're in front of people, how do you explain it? I haven't figured out a way to do that just yet. Maybe I could tape up my ears whenever I'm in public.