Movies on Airplanes

NOTE: I've edited this post to drop out any four letters words just like the airlines.

If you've traveled at all in your life, you've probably seen a few movies on airplanes. I can remember back in the day when they used to have the special connection headphones that you could only buy on the plane. Considering the fact that you can't get a free meal on an airplane anymore, it's surprising that they now allow passengers to plug in their own headphones. Of course, you can still purchase a pair on the plane for $5.00.

Anyway, the REAL reason for this post has to do with how the airlines edit movies to be seen on the plane. A recent trip featured the movie Deja Vu starring Denzel Washington. He plays an ATF agent that tries to prevent a terrorist strike from happening (it's actually an entertaining movie--so I will not spoil it). The editors are careful to make sure that there is no fowl language left in the film. I'm sure I heard a few occurrences of "h%&&" and "d@^!" but you NEVER hear the word "sh!>" on a movie edited for an airline or US television. I'm not sure why this is the case, but it is. The real irony is that the movie was STILL loaded with many violent scenes including a ferry boat explosion that kills hundreds of people--including small children with their families. You can literally see them being blown off the boat and into the water. Dead bodies are carried off by emergency crews. In one scene a man is made unconscious with a gunshot and then lit on fire by a terrorist. He's literally burned alive on the movie. However, if he would have been awake and alert enough to cry out, "Sh....(you know the word)!" those of us on the plane would never know.

Eating your kids candy

I was in my car and on the way to a business meeting today when I noticed a package of Air Heads that one of my kids left in the car. I'm kind of a kid at heart, so I decided to munch on one of these things while making my way to my appointment. If you're not familiar with Air Heads, they're sort of like an extra sweet, intensely flavored taffy. You get a flat stick with flavors like Watermelon, Cherry, Strawberry, Mystery (don't know what that's supposed to be) and "Blue Raspberry." In addition to intense flavors, they also use intense food colors and I walked into my meeting with a dark blue tongue. [WRITERS EMBELLISHMENT] I wasn't sure how to explain it when they asked me about it and this was a potentially BIG business deal. So, I faked a heart attack on the spot and they attributed the blue tongue to some sort of loss of blood flow to my head. As I was being wheeled out to the ambulance, I handed my clients the papers to sign and the deal was closed. I even jacked up the price and I think they paid it out of pity.

Names for Baseball Pitchers

Now that football season is over, it's time to focus on the Cincinnati Reds and IndyCar racing (and my wife and family). This year, the Reds have a hot prospect pitcher named, "Homer Baily." I'm no rocket surgeon, but I think this is a poor choice of a name for a pitcher. Anyone can hit a "homer" off of a pitcher named, "Homer," right? So, it got me thinking of some other bad names for baseball pitchers:

"Beamball Jones"
"Hit You In the Head Johnson"

We won the Super Bowl.

This is something I've waited all my life for. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. Honey, kids...sorry. You guys are important too, in your own special ways, but this is the Colts and the Super Bowl we're talking about. We have to keep things in perspective.

This blog

Sometimes, these posts are not funny.

Winter Weather Advisory

Last night the people who predict (or control!) the weather issued a "Winter Weather Advisory." Immediately, I realized that I was in the wrong line of work. It's January in Indiana. I think a "Winter Weather Advisory" would be a blanket statement for the entire season, but someone in this office makes a living by predicting "Winter Weather" in, of all times, winter. Now, if that same guy wants to issue the same advisory in June, I'll be listening.

The "Garment District" of New York City

I recently returned from a brief business trip in New York City. My "bidness" was in Manhattan, so I found an inexpensive (this is a relative term for New York City) place to stay in "The Garment District." Apparently, this is the center of New York's fashion industry. Now that I've been there, I'm really surprised that the fashions emanating are made from anything other than plastic garbage bags and cardboard--the two most abundant materials in the garment district.

In all seriousness, if you're looking for a good place to stay in Manhattan, I'd recommend the Wingate Inn in Midtown Manhattan. The surroundings may be a bit interesting, but it's affordable and close to the more popular spots in the city.

The Thirteen-Year-Old Delivers Again

Well, yesterday while in the car, the family was talking about some of the world's greatest minds when my thirteen-year-old asked me if Leonardo DaVinci was a "lesbian." As it turns out, he meant, "Lutheran." Honestly, I don't know if he was either.