Monday, August 18, 2008

Pointless and Easily Amused--That's Me.

Today I found a rare gem on the Internet. Honestly, I don't know how old this page is or who the author is. No...wait a minute...I take that back. The author is "Betsy" and she may have resided in Bloomington, Indiana at some point in her life. However, I know nothing else about her or the site that hosts these amazing stories. I hope that you, too, are inspired by the likes of Fred the Chicken, Bob the Rabbit, Pete the Iguana, Halberd the Worm, Millie the Hummingbird, Rory the Smiling Squirrel, and Sam the Anteater.

The original link to these stories is here, but I've decided to post all of them in fear that they may some day be removed. Betsy, if you're still out there, we need more stories like this--stories that really make you think.

Pointless Stories
for the easily amused
Betsy

Fred the chicken was always a happy chicken. He liked to play with his friends, and go swimming in the lake. One day, his friends, who were all chickens, asked what he did when he didn't play. He said swim. So they said chickens can't swim. So he told them that they were just jealous, and went swimming. And he was eaten by a frog. Always listen to your friends.

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Bob the rabbit lived a placid existence. He slept and he ate, he ate and he slept. And when he didn't do either of those, he spent time thinking. He was a fairly good philosopher, and one day he came up with the idea, I think therefore I am. Considering that enough thinking for one day, he went to go find something to eat. And poof, he departed from existence.

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Pete the iguana never really fit in. Sure, he was green and scaly, he climbed trees with the best of them, and he stuck his tongue out as much as was socially required. But he just didn't like the berries. So, as the other lizards ate more and more of the berries, he just slept in the sun. Until the day he got eaten by the bear because there weren't any more berries.

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Halberd the worm lived in a flowerpot. He loved his flowerpot, and watching the plant inside grow and grow. Every day, after tunneling through the soil, he would sit by the plant, chewing on a dead leaf and talking to him. It seemed that every day, what he considered the head of the plant would be closer and closer to him, as if appreciating his talk. It even seemed to smile at him, with its happy green teeth. Until he realized what the real reason was, as the plant began to digest him.

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Millie the hummingbird loved to talk. She'd talk to fence posts, turtles, old shoes, anything just as long as they didn't try to get a word in edgewise. She talked so much that her friend stopped paying attention, the turtles stayed in their shells, and creature avoided her area like the plague. Pretty soon, the only thing left for her to talk to were the fence posts, and they got boring. So Millie wandered down to the river, where she saw a log. She talked to it for hours. And then, there was a sudden silence. And the log opened its two gleaming eyes and smiled

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SAM THE ANTEATER STORIES

Sam the anteater was a jealous little critter. His best friend was an armadillo, and he couldn't get over his awesome armor. I'll trade you, he said one day. Your armor for my fur. No way, his friend said. Find your own, his friend said. So, Sam went back home. And built himself the most awesome armor out of scrap metal, even more awesome than his friend's. And as he went to show it to him, the lightning struck.

Sam the anteater was a happy anteater. He lived in the forest, and liked to skip along, picking flowers and singing happy songs to all of his woodland friends, the cheerful chipmunk, the smiling squirrel, and the merry moose. They all loved Sam, and would often collaborate for musical numbers celebrating their happy existence. They all lived together in the forest, forever, eternally blissful and content with their own self esteem and destiny of infinite sunny days with puffy white clouds and azure skies.

Rory the smiling squirrel was going for a walk one day. He said hello to Mr. Sun, and to the seven clouds in the sky, whom he had thoughtfully named Horbert, Gilfred, Kilzo, Bofert, Lolput, and Wendell. His best friend Sam the anteater though, disagreed. HE wanted to name the clouds Chuckles, Mr. Fluff-ums, Happy, Lucky, Sparkles, Giggles, and Puffy. So, Sam decided to act. He pulled out his feather, and proceeded to tickle Rory to death, who choked on his own laughter. This made Sam laugh, and pretty soon there were two dead animals, and not a cloud left in the sky. Which suited the vultures just fine.
Ok, the truth is that I just decided to search for "Pointless Stories" via Google and this was the first thing I found. It reminds me of something that I'd write (or that Jason or Scott would create back in our The Daily Journal Days). So there.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey BD, Thanks for the link and the comments over my way!

Frank G

Arby said...

"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" meets Aesop's Fables, on acid. Very amusing!

Big Doofus said...

I managed to figure out that the "Pointless Stories" were written in 1999. That makes them practically antiques when it comes to the Internet--but still not as old as The Daily Journal.

Wani said...

This post kind of fits with the books I was looking at buying: Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister, Son of a Witch and others like it. They're by the guy who wrote Wicked.
I also have a book that you might like. Its politically correct fairy tales. Funny stuff! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Politically_Correct_Bedtime_Stories

Uvulapie said...

There once was your average boring white collar man who spent each day at work staring at a monitor and typing on a keyboard. Sometimes he used the mouse. One day he read a handful of pointless stories and declared "THOSE ARE AWESOME!" Then he died.

scott said...

I learned a lot from reading those stories. I like my fairy tales with a bit of Twilight Zone mixed in.

I'm actually a bit creeped out about the log opening its eyes and the plant digesting the worm. I've got a vivid imagination.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Irony, love it!
I think the philosopher rabbit is my fave.

Rebekah said...

lol- those were pointlessly amusing. sounds like a few things I wrote in high school- dare I post them on my blog? Nah

JAN said...

I wonder what kind of mother Betsy was?

Mr. E said...

Cool stories they were a amusing way to start my day.

Toni said...

Well, to go along with your pointless stories, I have a pointless product website that I just know you're going to love. I was soooo cracking up. The "thong butt" product pitch. The Knork. And my own personal favorite, the anti-molestation jacket (fer real!)
Enjoy this little gem, courtesy of moi!
http://www.popgadget.net/2004/11/index.php?page=all
Blessings,
~Toni~