Messed Up Blog

I'm in the process of changing and/or reformatting my blog. That explains the weird line through the middle of it. Hopefully I'll have it fixed soon and it will not cause the universe to explode.

Book Cover Reviews #2 -It's Your Time

First off, thanks to those of you who commented on my blog. I really do enjoy writing and creating, so it's good to know that there's a small handful of folks out there who read it (besides my wife--and I'm not even sure that she's been reading lately).

Now it's time for the next installment of Book Cover Reviews. These are highly educated book reviews written by me and based solely on the covers of books. This time up is Joel Teethsteen...I mean Osteen and his New York Times bestseller, It's Your Teeth...no, sorry....It's Your Time: Activate Your Faith, Achieve Your Dreams, and Increase in God's Favor. You can find the book on Amazon.com here. (But seriously...PLEASE DON'T BUY THIS BOOK. Go see Avatar instead--for the tenth time.)


Joel Osteen is the Sr. Pastor at America's largest and fastest growing church with over 38,000 members. I hear their after-church pitch-ins are incredible. His messages are seen by millions of people all over the world via television (Jay Leno will be taking over the broadcasts in March).

Obviously, Joel is larger than life as can be seen by his large tusks and large, hair-product enhanced, thick mane. In fact, he's so large in this book that he's three-in-one: The front facing right, the front facing left and the side to accentuate the O-lett (i.e. Osteen Mullet). I can almost hear the conversation that went on between Joel, his team of publicists and the publisher at Free Press...

Osteen Publicist #1: We need to figure out a way to get even more of Joel on the cover of his current book.

Free Press Publisher: We could take a new picture, but Mr. Osteen doesn't really look much different.

Osteen Publicist #2: Mr. Osteen has found so much favor with God that he no longer ages.

Free Press Publisher: (laughing) That's great.

Osteen Publicists #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 (9-32 are working behind the scenes): (dead silence)

Free Press Publisher: You're not joking...so we'll take a new picture of Mr. Osteen's teeth...I mean face...and put it on the mullet...I mean, cover.

Osteen Publicist #3: We'd like to put three pictures of Mr. Osteen on the cover.

Now, if you want "God's Favor" then you will purchase this book--reading it is optional. If you actually read it (or just say that you did) you will learn how to "Activate Your Faith." This is similar to the process required to activate your credit card when you receive it in the mail. You make a phone call to Joel Osteen's worldwide headquarters and give them your pin number, social security number, bank account information with routing number, list of investments with account numbers, name of your firstborn child, etc. Once your faith is "activated" you're able to "achieve your dreams" (as long as your check clears) and "Increase in Joel's favor."

Book Cover Reviews #1 - Food Rules: An Eater's Manual

There's an old adage that goes, "You can't judge a book by it's cover." BULLPUCKY! You can judge a book by a cover and I will. If covers were meaningless then you'd think the book industry would save a boatload of money and utilize generic names...and generic titles, for that matter. Why not just assign numbers to books and post the number on a plain white cover using the Ariel font with a brief explanation of the contents. It might look something like this:


This will be the first installment of what I will call "Book Cover Reviews" where I...JUDGE BOOKS SOLELY BY THE COVERS. I have no plans to read these books as I'm way too busy writing blogs and watching TV (or reading other books). Let's get things started with this little gem: It's Michael Pollan's bestseller, Food Rules: An Eater's Manual.


Here's what the book has to say about itself according to amazon.com:

A pocket compendium of food wisdom-from the author of The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food

Michael Pollan, our nation's most trusted resource for food-related issues, offers this indispensible guide for anyone concerned about health and food. Simple, sensible, and easy to use, Food Rules is a set of memorable rules for eating wisely, many drawn from a variety of ethnic or cultural traditions. Whether at the supermarket or an all-you-can-eat-buffet, this handy, pocket-size resource is the perfect guide for anyone who would like to become more mindful of the food we eat.

Americans are obsessed with eating and the guilt that goes along with it. We probably waste more money on food and guilt-based exercise than any other country in the world. Imagine what we could do if we all ate sensibly and used our leftover money to help out those in need of agricultural resources and food. This book has one simple rule about food:

1. Eat peas. Moreover, eat giant translucent peas, pea pod and all.

That's all you need to know. Giant translucent pea pods are hard to come by. In fact, they are so rare that you'll be lucky to eat--which means you'll keep the weight off due to the constant foraging and the rare occasion that you find one. These pea pods are humongulous and it's safe to assume that one giant pea will be enough for one person to eat off for days. Moreover, the actual pod is also edible and should satiate the needs of a pea pod clan for an additional time period.

I didn't know Michael Pollan before I reviewed his book without reading it, but I know him now (sort of) and I trust him. This pea pod idea is pure genius. The only other issue to deal with is the penguin on the bottom left corner of the cover. I assume that these penguins also hunt for giant pea pods--or, perhaps they are abundant in Antarctica. Once global warming sets in the world will be rich in giant translucent pea poddy goodness (that sounds funny).

One last note: I'd like to thank The Elephant's Child who unknowingly gave me this stupid idea.

I Still Have a Blog...

...but I'm not sure why. For the most part, I've always set out to provide something mildly amusing on this blog...and I'm not sure why.

Lately, I've been much more serious about my life. I still have the same stupid sense of humor that I've always had, but I'm much more critical of how I use my time. Blogging is just not important enough to devote much time to it (at least, not as much as I used to). This is not a blanket judgment statement on those of you who continue to blog. I'd actually like to get back in the habit of reading some of your blogs again.

So, I'm not sure how often I'll post here or what I'll have to say and I'm sure that will devastate millions of people who show up to this blog every day. Of course I'm joking. However, there were actually a few days when I had hundreds of unique visits to my silly blog because of something I posted on Cake Wrecks.

For anyone that cares, here's what I'm serious about these days...

My wife.

My son. I have three kids and a wife who all need me, but by teenage boy needs me more than ever. If you're a dad and you're raising boys, let me recommend the book King Me by Steve Farrar.

My work. I have a great job that I love. In today's economy I know that's rare and I count it a huge blessing. I'm making the most of every minute and I'm really enjoying it.

Dryer Lint. I collect it and I'm planning to sell it on ebay. Not really--but it wouldn't be my blog without something incredibly stupid included in the post. Meow. Meow. Butterpants.

I'm Back...big whoop

First off I'd like to apologize to both of my regular readers for NOT posting in so long. Honestly, I've been very busy with work and haven't had the chance or motivation to contribute to this blog. Facebook makes it easier to post bits and pieces of your life whereas a blog requires one to actually think through what it is they plan to say (with the possible exception of this post which, if you think about it, is about nothing at all and just an excuse for me to write a very long run-on sentence. sentence fragment.).

My company had a big trade show in Las Vegas which took me there for a week. Plus, there was all of the planning and worrying (something that I do well) to get there. But now that it's over, I hope to get back into this blog and have something to say other than "meow meow butterpants." In case you're wondering, I didn't lose a penny in Las Vegas--because I didn't gamble anything. It's not that I'm totally against gambling, but I find no enjoyment in casino gambling. I'd much rather play cards with good friends.

I successfully posted. Big whoop.

Good Day.

License Plate Humor

In the state of Indiana we recently made a major change to our "basic" license plates. I emphasize "basic" because in addition to the standard plates it seems like we have about 100 other designs related to schools, the Colts, associations, pet dietitians, etc. (perhaps I made up that last one). Ever since I can remember our license plates began with two numbers which identified the county of your residence (e.g. "32" for my own Hendricks County), followed by a capital letter in a smaller font, and then four numbers.

The new standard plate (pictured above) utilizes three numbers, a space and then three letters. It's exciting, right? What a great idea for a blog post. Have a great day, everyone!




Ok, there really is a point to this. It seems like the folks at the license plate factory have a sense of humor. At first I thought I was just imagining this and then I noticed the plates in my office parking lot affirmed my hunch. We have the following "coincidental" combinations:

MIA
YAB
NIL

Come to think of it, this is still a very lame blog post. Oh well.

Meow Meow Butterpants.

One THING at a Time

There was an old 70's sitcom called One Day at a Time that I remember very well. I'm not sure why it had an impact on me. Maybe it's because it was based in Indianapolis which was just a few hours down the road from me or maybe I was smitten with Valerie Bertinelli. For that matter, maybe I secretly wanted to be Dwayne Schneider--the wacky building superintendent that spent way too much time in the Romano's apartment. But I've gotten way off subject here--sort of, which is what this whole post is about: FOCUS.

My job has a LOT of responsibility. On top of that, I don't have someone telling me what I'm supposed to be doing most of the time. It's up to me to figure out what's important and how to prioritize everything. When it gets REALLY busy, I tend to look like this...

Life can also get the same way with so many things going on and people (especially a family) depending on you. This is where I need to step back for a second and remember that God really is in control and that I can only do one THING at a time in HIS strength. My experience has been that when I allow myself to be overwhelmed I feel blind and powerless (see the deer above). As a result, I end up doing NOTHING.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have so much to deal with, but I know that I should also feel honored to have been given so much. It's my duty to deal with it.

Yesterday I spewed forth political banter and here I am today sharing some of my deepest thoughts and struggles. What is this blog coming to? Tomorrow I will get back to more serious subjects like Meow Meow Butterpants.

IndyCar Starts Tonight...and Baseball

I'll keep this short. The IndyCar season starts tonight. 25 cars will face off on a high-speed oval in Miami with speeds over 213 mph. It will air at 8 pm (EDT) on ESPN2. Should be really cool. Not that long ago I posted on the significance of this race.

Baseball season starts tonight...for me. I'm coaching my son's 13-15 year old team along with my father-in-law and a friend that I've met through baseball and softball. We get to be the Reds. How cool is that?

I'm also off on a one week business trip Sunday through Saturday that I'm not looking forward to. Hopefully I'll blog a few times while I'm out.

Meow Meow Butterpants!

Familyman Ministries

Almost every year my wife and I will venture to downtown Indianapolis to attend the Indiana Homeschool Convention. It's at this show many years ago that I was first exposed to the ministry of Todd Wilson. His Familyman Ministries is a great resource for dads. Todd, who grew up just down the road from Big Doofusland in Danville, Indiana, knows a thing or two about being a dad as he has seven of his own kids. His mission, in a nutshell, is to "remind dad's of what's important" and he does it through his speaking engagements, his weekly newsletter, books and the Familyman Ministries web site. But the most important thing to remember is that HE'S VERY FUNNY. Humor speaks to me, especially when it tugs on your heart strings as a husband and father the way Todd does it. Men, if you're reading this, be sure to stop by his website and sign up for the weekly newsletter.

Wonton Wednesday

A former blogger came up with a great idea: Wanton Wednesday. Basically, it's a day where you can ramble on about all kinds of unrelated items (which is normal for this blog, anyway). I'm going to blatantly steal her idea and take it a step further. I give you.... (insert gong sound)


WONTON WEDNESDAY!!!

Why Do You Blog?
Keep the comments coming (see the post below this one). I'm really enjoying what you have to say and sometime I'll share my own reasons and some of yours in a new post.


That Annoying Hillshire Farms "Go Meat" Commercial.
You have spoken...and I think I've made my point. This is the most annoying, stupid, worthless commercial ever and it should be destroyed. However, it's SO BAD that it needs to be preserved. So, I'm going to nuke the link on my blog that makes it play every time you visit, but I'll still provide a link in case you want to go and see it or subject someone else to it.

Meow Meow Butterpants There's no significance to this headline at all. It's Wonton (or Wanton) Wednesday and I can say whatever I want. But I also want to be the #1 destination anytime someone performs a Google search for the phrase "meow meow butterpants." Wish me luck.