big doofus blog

Trade Publication Salespeople

2011-08-12T10:17:00.002-04:00

I'm the marketing & pr manager for a decent sized company in the Midwest. We're not a Midwestern company as our sales are literally worldwide, but with the greatest concentration still in North America. Anyway, I get a LOT of calls from trade publication (i.e. magazine) salespeople who want me to advertise with them. I've been in my particular industry for over ten years now. Practically no one reads trade publications in our industry so there's little reason for print advertising. Furthermore, their electronic advertising also tends to be pretty worthless. I KNOW this based on my experience and we choose to market in much more creative and effective ways. But it doesn't matter to the salesperson who is convinced that his/her magazine is the "perfect fit" for my company. They're just doing their job and I totally understand. However, when I tell them that I'm not interested I don't feel as if I owe them any explanation--especially when I took the time to call them back (after they called three times in two days) and it just so happens that I was lucky enough to get their voice mail.

So, if you're out there, slightly annoying sales guy, please don't take it personally that I have zero interest in spending money on your dumb magazine that no one reads. And I don't have to tell you why because I know that no matter what I say you will have a stupid response. I cannot win with you and I don't want to waste my time trying to explain it.

I'd rather waste my time ranting about it on a blog that I have not utilized in nearly a year. Now go take on your day.

No, I'm Serious...This blog still exists

2011-08-12T10:16:00.004-04:00

It's been nearly a year since my last post. How pathetic. Honestly, I don't have time to do this blog, but I cannot let it die. So, here goes another attempt to revive it. If you're reading this, please let me know. I'll try to get back and check some of the blogs that I used to frequent as well.

But wait, there's more!

2010-12-07T19:49:00.003-05:00

Believe it or not, I still haven't given up on this blog idea. I don't want to lose the momentum I've got. Not only are there still mainly stupid things out there that I need to document, I also have many pointless things to contribute to the world. My 44 readers have been deprived for so long that I can only hope they will take me back.

These days I'm mainly dealing with the intricacies of raising a 17-year-old boy who is convinced that he knows everything there is to know and that I'm "out to get him." Perhaps some of you have experienced this as well. I'm interested to hear what you have to say.

Cheers,

Big Doofus

Closed Captioned for the Hearing Impaired Swill Drinkers

2010-07-14T12:12:00.012-04:00

There are two HUGE beer companies in America: Anheuser Busch (i.e. Budweiser) and Miller-Coors. They are fighting for every piece of the market in this country (and the world, but that's another matter). One way to gain new customers would be to create beers that actually taste good. We can only assume that they've written this idea off as a bad idea. The other way is to come up with all kids of gimmicks on the beer cans and bottles to trick you into thinking that there's something good about a bad beer. I've posted on this subject before and I'll probably do it again.

Such is the case with a recent commercial for Coors Light. The message is that the swill in the bottle still tastes like the swill that it is. However, you can now tell when your swill is cold without ever having to open your case. We all know that beverages in the refrigerator stay cooler when you put a layer of cardboard around them, right? No, but I digress.

Aside from the fact that this is just another lame attempt to get Americans to buy more swill, I wonder what the deaf community thinks about it. Normally I have the closed captions turned off on my TV, but my old set likes to turn them on for me randomly. Take a look at the captions created for this commercial in the following screen shots. Note that these are horrible pictures because you can see me in the reflection of the glass. But they're still hilarious:

Let's get started. The first actual words are from the wife (I assume!) trying to seduce her husband. I believe she asks, "Do you like what you see?" However, the deaf community understands it as, "YOU LIHAT YOE?"

The man doesn't notice his wife and instead is intrigued with the swill (what a moron). He replies with, "Yeah. When did Coors Light get these new windows?" which is concisely translated as "WHEN Coorsht GET THNE!" It's apparently an exclamation in the hearing impaired community...and they left out an "i" in "Coorsht." :)

The wife is not sure what the husband is asking and he reiterates, "Windows." Sadly, the deaf community is left with, "WINDOWHANK Y." Maybe there's some truth here. Is the husband passing up on "HANKY" for watered down beer with windows? Hmmm.

The announcer (or "Annou") comes on and says, "Introducing the new Coors Light..." and the closed caption readers get "INTRODG THE Coors t" --whatever.

Mr. Announcer goes on about the "New Cold Activation Window," otherwise known as the "1d Action WI, HANK Y" which must be shorthand for "WINDOWHANKY."

"Now you can see your beer is cold before..." turns into, "YOU CAE YOURR ISD BEFOOU BUYrs t." Wait a minute. I figured it out. The Closed Caption guy or gal may have had one too many swills. Let this be a lesson to you all. Don't drink and write closed captions for the hearing impaired community!

Mr. Clueless just now realizes there are lit candles in his room. "This is a fire hazard," he notes while putting out a candle with his swill bottle. Which equals, "THIS IFIRE HD." It's an Apple iFire in High Def.

The announcer is back with, "Frost brewed Coors Light," which is flawlessly recorded as "RR FRBREWEDrs Ligrs t." Isn't a Ligr a cross between a lion and a tiger, bred for it's skills in magic?

"The World's Most Refreshing Beer," is reduced to "THRLD'S REGREG BE."

And just so you know. I've seen this commercial several times on the air since I originally recorded it and the closed captions are the same.

Stupid Adults Getting in the Way - a TV Post

2010-07-10T11:25:00.015-04:00

We watch a little TV in our home with the kids. As parents we keep a close eye on what the kids view and we encourage them to think critically about the shows they enjoy. Subsequently, I've been thinking about some of this stuff for a while and decided to share it with anyone who cares to read it and comment.

Gone are the days when kids programming was limited to Saturday mornings. You can catch kid-geared television 24 hours a day thanks to cable tv, satellite and the interwebs. The two most popular networks for our kids (ages 11, 13 and 16) are Nickelodeon and Disney Channel. I watch all the shows my kids watch, so I have a pretty decent grasp on what's going on--despite the fact that I'm a stupid parent (see below).

Over the past few years, I began to notice some consistent, and somewhat disturbing themes with regards to the shows we watch. Primarily, parents are usually not married or even in the picture. Often when they are, they are portrayed as goofy, stupid and out of touch with reality. "Reality" is a universe where kids are in the center. Parents, if they exist, are usually in the background or getting in the way. Most adults--especially those in any position of authority--are ignorant and/or overly intrusive. Work is not something to aspire to unless it has to do with fulfilling a personal (and in my opinion, selfish) dream. This usually takes the form of fame via television shows, web shows, fashion magazines or being a teen singing sensation. The stars of the shows are often launching real-life singing / teen idol careers at the same time. It's all part of the networks' plans to create a teen/tween marketing windfall.

The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron (Nickelodeon)
This show is no longer in production, but it's one we all watched quite a bit and still do thanks to re-runs. Both of Jimmy's parents actually exist in this show and play a significant role. However, Jimmy is MUCH smarter than his parents, who are displayed as being somewhat out of touch. The dad is a hilarious character, but a bit of a buffoon. He has some sort of a boring job and the mother is a stay-at-home-mom. That's a blast from the past compared to other shows, but it's consistent with the theme they seem to be going for.

Spongebob Squarepants (Nickelodeon)
There really are no parents in this program. Spongebob lives on his own, as does his best friend Patrick. They are basically big kids who manage to survive in the world. Patrick is unemployed and lives under a rock. Spongebob and Squidward work at the Krusty Krab. Squidward hates the job and their boss, Mr. Krabs, is obsessed with money. To his credit, Spongebob likes his job and works hard at it. I should point out that we LOVE this show.

iCarly (Nickelodeon)
This show is a guilty pleasure for our family. It's very well produced and quite funny. However, Carly's parents are not in the picture. She lives with her brother who manages to keep a really cool apartment in Seattle by occasionally working on sculptures. Their father decided to leave them on their own rather than take care of them. He expects perfection out of his kids and I guess he just decided it was easier to let them raise each other. Sam is Carly's best friend. We never see her parents and only hear about her mother, who is portrayed as incredibly irresponsible. Freddie is the nerdy boy who lives with his mother. She is portrayed as overprotective and a bit nutty. Miranda Cosgrove, who stars as iCarly, just released a CD with a video that is prominently played on the Nickelodeon networks.

True Jackson, VP (Nickelodeon)
True's fashion sense is so amazing that she got a job as an editor for a leading fashion magazine in the big city. This happens all the time, right? Do people still read magazines? Anyway, it's assumed that she lives at home with both parents. The mother has appeared in at least one episode (or maybe ONLY one), but the father is MIA. Most of the adults in this show are a bit dopey. Keke Palmer (True Jackson) has also launched a singing career with at least one CD.

Sonny With a Chance (Disney)
Sonny stars in a TV show. She spends most of her time on the set, but she DOES live with her mother in an apartment. There is no dad in the picture. The mom (Nancy McKeon from "Facts of Life") seems to be loving and helpful whenever she's called upon--about four episodes according to imdb.com. Demi Lovato (Sonny) also has a musical career. Are you picking up the theme here? Some of you remember The Monkees. It's the show that started all of this.

Hannah Montana (Disney)
Everyone knows about Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus. If you DON'T know about her, congratulations. She's a teen singing sensation (that doesn't assume she is talented) in the show and in real life. She lives with her Achey Breaky dad. There is no mother in the picture. I believe that she died while Hannah was young. Correct me if I'm wrong. I've blogged about her before. In real life she's on her way to gaining respect as an adult by...there's no nice way to say it. Let the pole dancing video speak for itself.

The Wizards of Waverly Place (Disney)
This show is an exception in that the Russo family actually lives together. The parents play an important part in the lives of their kids. Of course, they are all witches and warlocks who have the ability to do just about anything they want and choose to be as normal as possible. It's sort of like Bewithced for those of you who remember. Here's another shocker...Selena Gomez, who plays the main character on the show (Alex Russo) has a singing career of her own. I finally decided that we needed to pull the plug on this show. It wasn't a popular decision at home, but I'll stick with it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm really not swearing off all tv. We watch a lot of these shows together and they are all well-produced. Some of them are laugh-out-loud funny. I just want to teach my kids to think critically. I firmly believe that once they can do this they will see the world, and their place in it, for what it really is. I'm curious to know what the rest of you think.

Real Life Cutters!

2010-07-06T13:21:00.008-04:00

I'm sure my kids are sick of hearing me talk about courtesy when it comes to driving. Plus, I've already used up oodles of keystrokes and blog electrons on the subject. In particular, my Stop Driving Like an Idiot post from December of 2007 came to mind the other day when something sad (and yet funny) happened to me.

If you didn't click over to the link (and why bother, really), you only need to read this part:

7. Don't Cut - This goes back to grade school, folks. You don't cut in line just because you can get away with it. Imagine that you're in the check out lane of a grocery store and you see a little space between two people ahead of you. Would you simply shove your way into the space with your cart and ignore the others around you? Sometimes, things happen and you have to find your way onto a lane (see #5). When that happens, use your signal and be considerate.

Well, we were talking about that very subject on Saturday morning in the car and a few hours later we found ourselves approaching the checkout lady at Wal-mart. We were to be the next in line behind someone who was seconds away from leaving. Lo and behold, from out of nowhere an elderly man JUMPED IN LINE AHEAD OF HIS--just like I described in the post a few years ago. He really did it! All we could do was laugh and walk over to the next lane where no one was waiting. I may have made some comment to my wife about it out loud so he could hear me and feel like a tool.

Oh, and I suppose I should point out that I plan on a regular return to blogging. Blogging frees my mind and allows me to record some of the strange things that happen in my life. I welcome your comments and I'll be sure to look some of you up as well. My wife has also promised to jump back into the blogosphere.

Look, Mom and Dad...I'm in the Newspaper!

2010-06-25T16:01:00.003-04:00

Somewhere, there are some mighty proud parents at home, reading the newspaper right now...

A Meme Response

2010-06-10T09:44:00.003-04:00

Arby tagged me last month and I'm just now getting around to a reply. It's simple. All I have to do is repost the first post ever from my blog. Here it is...

November 29, 2006
The next time you make a trip to a restaurant or even a fast food establishment, tell the person helping you that you want your order served, "granny style" and then slip the waiter a $20 bill.

That's a typical post from me today. It sort of goes back to my pre-blog days with The Daily Journal (TDJ). TDJ was a blog long before there were blogs. So, if I want to get really specific, I could post my first entry on TDJ. I didn't write the first entry as that belonged to Jason. However, I wrote the second entry and it looked like this...

June 7, 1998
If I could be anyone in the world, I would be Miss America. Imagine all of that good will you could share with folks all over the country. Sure, they'd be staring at my breasts and trying to peek up my dress, but I'd still be spreading good will, and that's all that really matters when you're Miss America like me.

I'm supposed to pass this on, so I'll ask any of my followers to re-post their first entry as well. And just to make it fun, if you choose to do it, you need to change the subject of the post to an armadillo wearing a parka. Be sure to send me a comment if you posted. Cheers!

Pictures of Pitchers 1 (or pichers of pichers)

2010-05-28T14:28:00.004-04:00

If you visit baseball web sites a lot (like me) then you're used to seeing pictures of grown men making silly faces while wearing baseball hats. For some unknown reason, the powers that be like to display pictures of baseball players when they are contorting their faces. When you throw a hard ball at speeds between 90-100 mph, you're bound to look a little goofy. I thought I'd share an installment today. Enjoy.

My favorite is the one in the middle. It looks like he's doing his squirrel impersonation. Nicely done.

What happens on the "STURDY STATION2"?

2010-05-26T09:21:00.002-04:00

Perhaps Rubbermaid should have thought twice before naming their infant changing station "Sturdy Station2." I snapped a picture of this one at the QDoba on 96th Street in Indianapolis. I don't usually condone vandalism, regardless of how minor it may be, but I might have done this, too.

Simply removing the "S" and the "Y" on "STURDY" provides an even more appropriate name for a changing station. If you've ever had your little ones in a public place and relied on one of these, you know just what I mean.

From the FAIL! File

2010-05-21T09:00:00.004-04:00

While planning out a future trip to a Reds baseball game and Ikea using Google Maps, I noticed something strange about the Public Library of Cincinnati...

...it's in Kentucky!

There's something else silly about it, but I'm still trying to figure it out.

Who's Guilty of Using "Spicy Photos?"

2010-05-12T14:01:00.002-04:00

Another gem from today's Indianapolis Star. It seems like the newspaper might be guilty as well...

Coincidence?

2010-05-07T11:24:00.002-04:00

Anyone else find this "coincidence" of the airport body scanners (i.e. the ones that let security workers see your ENTIRE body) headline paired with the cheerleaders picture to be odd?

Removed from Email List

2010-05-05T12:45:00.003-04:00

I get a TON of emails at work, so I actually take the time to unsubscribe from email lists that I don't wish to be a part of--usually I never signed up for them in the first place, but that's another story. Anyway, I unsubscribed from one such list today and got the following result...

Irony, anyone?

Something Unexpected Happened

2010-05-04T10:36:00.005-04:00

Usually I reserve this blog for important updates on the random silliness that I see in the world around me. However, today I wish to reflect on something a little more important and personal. Enjoy (or, stop reading--whatever works for you).

You may have figured out that I have three children. Just yesterday I was sitting in the living room looking out at our modest little backyard that sits in front of a giant cornfield (yes, I live in Indiana). There were my two "little" girls, ages 11 and 13, jumping and playing on the trampoline. You could tell by the looks on their faces that not only were they having fun...they love each other and enjoy one another's company. Yet, these two are SO different. Bird (13) is sporty and spunky with tomboy tendencies. She wants to be a fashion designer. Snip (11 1/2) is the girly-girl ballerina who wants to nurture everyone and start being a mother today. It seems like just a year ago they were getting on each others nerves, picking at each other and not wanting to do things together. It honestly brings tears to my eyes to see them together. God has blessed me with two lovely daughters and the blessing seems doubled when I see them together.

America: The Story of P. Diddy

2010-05-03T12:38:00.003-04:00

Last night the wife and I were watching a very interesting series on The History Channel called, America: The Story of Us. In a nut shell they would follow a time line through the major events of American History and then focus on specific events and people. One minute we'd be watching a re-enactment of the expansion of the Midwest or the Erie Canal (etc.) and the next we'd hear from real-life experts including history professors, researchers, scientists and Sean "P. Diddy" Combs... That's right. I'd get to hear what Sean "P. Diddy Combs" has to say about the subject. While we're at it, throw in Sheryl Crow and a host of other celebrities.

Dance of the Dogs (or...Featuring the Dogs)

2010-04-26T09:25:00.004-04:00

Here's a great example of what three little girls can do with their ballet training, music, stuffed dogs and a crowd...

My daughter, Izzi, is in this video with my niece, Eva. They are better known on this blog as "Snip and Snap." In addition, their little buddy "Lids" is also featured.

Behold, the SITEHAWK

2010-04-21T08:49:00.003-04:00

I posted this on Facebook the other day and decided I'd put it on the blog, too. The Facebook entry reads like this...

FACT: If you are selling or leasing commercial property using a company called "SITEHAWK" and an actual hawk lands on your SITEHAWK sign you will have success in thirty days or less. Look it up.

And to quote the late Paul Harvey, here's "the rest of the story..."

I was coming back from lunch with some buddies from work and we looked over to see this sign. We've seen it quite a few times in the past, but the presence of the hawk caught our eye. This picture doesn't really do it justice as it was taken with a cell phone camera. The hawk (probably a red-tail) was impressive, to say the least. What are the chances of that happening? Perhaps it's not too much of a stretch since hawks are common here in Central Indiana. It might be like the late Tammy Faye Baker sitting on an Avon cosmetics sign.

Look Out Criminals

2010-04-20T11:36:00.003-04:00

According to today's Indianapolis Star the bad guys are going to have to pay close attention to some new anti-crime measures...

Just wait until some thug gets some warm spaghetti hurled at them. He or she will think twice before they break the law again.

What does she REALLY think about me?

2010-04-16T12:41:00.006-04:00

My youngest daughter, Izzi (often referred to as "Snip" in this blog) gave me a home-made card to open up while on the airplane as I was headed out west for a week-long business trip. It's a very sweet thing to get this kind of hand-crafted sentiment from such a cute little eleven-year-old girl. Per her instructions, I opened it up and read it while on the plane, cruising at an altitude of about 30,000 feet in the air.

For your enjoyment, I've scanned the envelope of the card along with the front and inside (the best part). I also added a picture of my little Izabella ballerina so you can appreciate the source...

In case you didn't catch that, it reads as follows:

I love you very much. I hope you are safe. I don't want you to live but I have no choice. I love you sooo much. You are the Best Dad in the world.

I Will Miss You.

Izabella

Contrary to her wishes, I survived the trip.

Strange Headline

2010-04-13T16:33:00.003-04:00

I just read the following headline from my local online newspaper:

Cops seek man with gun at Southside Taco Bell

I'm not sure what the deal it, but apparently you can help out the police if you're a man and you have a gun. Just bring it to the Southside Taco Bell and see what you can do to help. Think outside the bun!

When Harry met Harry...and Herry

2010-04-12T11:54:00.003-04:00

I work in a small offiice with two guys who are named, "Harry." What are the chances of that? Neither of them actually go by the name, "Harry," as they have adopted nicknames or using their initials as their first name. That probably makes sense. I only bring this up because of yet another bizarre dream I had the other night. Only recently have I begun to actually remember my dreams which gives me something to blog about. Anyway, in the dream I was looking at my birth certificate only to discover that my real first name was...you guessed it..."Harry."

Too bad Herry Monster from the Sesame Street of old was not in the dream.

A Three-Year-Old and His Tobacco

2010-04-09T12:51:00.006-04:00

I have a little buddy at church named, Sullivan who is having a birthday tomorrow. If you ask him, he will tell you that he's turning four or even five, but he will be three. For the past year he's been telling his parents that for his birthday he wanted a backhoe. I saw him at church last night and he excitedly told me about his early birthday present...

"I gotta backhoe!"
However, in his cute little almost-three-year-old voice it sounded like...

"I got tobacco!"

Nothing says "Happy 3rd Birthday" like tobacco.

Happy Birthday, Sullivan.

Spring Fashion Sighting

2010-04-06T20:28:00.002-04:00

The neighbor boy has been out most of the day sporting his blue pajamas and cowboy boots while he carries around his security blanket on his bike with one training wheel. It's the new look for Spring 2010.

Back Again

2010-04-05T09:35:00.004-04:00

My company just finished a major trade show and I'm still trying to dig out of everything while life moves on at full speed. It's also the beginning of baseball/softball season for my kids and it looks like two if not all three of my kids will be on teams this year. That always makes life even more interesting. Regardless, I've neglected this blog for too long and it's time to get back at it. However, I'm not really sure what to contribute at the moment.

All I can think of is the stupid dream I had last night (actually it was around 6:00 am this morning). I was playing some strange pool game with a bunch of kids (none that I recognize in real life). It was like tag except that you could be safe or immune from getting tagged by having some sort of combination of items with you in the pool. Of course, I was "it" and it didn't matter who I tried to tag. They would always have a combination of things that kept them from getting tagged. It was pretty frustrating as I'd finally catch up with a kid and he'd say, "You can't tag me. I've got the green floaty and the yellow ball." Well, of course I can't tag that kid. Everyone knows the green floaty and the yellow ball makes you safe from the 4o-year-old man who's trying to tag you. In my frustration I remember trying to smack the kid in the head with the floaty...which turned out to be the REAL pillow under my head as I was sleeping. I managed to jerk it out from under my head and woke up--as did my wife as I think I may have struck her.

So, now she's "it"...unless her combination of the green pillow and pink pajamas makes her immune.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2010-03-04T09:49:00.001-05:00

I've been way too busy with work to post on this blog lately. I hope to get back at it more regularly within the next month. In the mean time, here's a picture of a bunny with a waffle on it's head:

Back From Vacation

2010-02-23T11:07:00.002-05:00

I spent the week in the towns of French Lick and West Baden in Southern Indiana. These towns have a lot of history. There are two giant hotels/resorts in the area, The French Lick Springs Hotel & Casino and the West Baden Springs Hotel. Honestly, it's hard to imagine why these two luxury hotels are there, but it goes back to the healing springs discovered in the area in the 1800's. Guests would flock to this area for the springs and some smart business people figured out how to capitalize on it.

We actually spent our honeymoon in the area at the nearby villas. These are condos that can be rented which sit on a hill overlooking the French Lick Hotel & Casino. I may post more about this place and add some pictures later. It's all worth seeing.

More later.

I'm Lovin' It

2010-02-15T07:08:00.000-05:00

I have a niece that I call, "Digidy Dog." Sometimes I spell it differently...not sure why...but that's not the point. A little over a year ago, she used to refer to her favorite restaurant as "Bin Farmy's." I made up a little graphic to remember it and forgot to share it with the rest of the world. You can probably figure out the real name if you try really hard...

Terror Threat at Local School!!!

2010-02-14T10:53:00.003-05:00

Just the other day here in Central Indiana there was some sort of a terror threat at one of the area high schools. Officials determined that the threat was serious enough to warrant closing the school and sending the kids home. As you can tell from this picture, they were horrified and sadly disappointed...

Is this a case where the terrorists win or did some kid forget that his Science Fair project was due?

There's Beauty Here, Too

2010-02-12T09:48:00.002-05:00

It's winter and I get a little tired of hearing people complaining about it. It is what it is and sometimes it is spectacular...

I'm not a great photographer but once in a while I get lucky and take a good shot. Enjoy.

Another Noteworthy Blog

2010-02-10T13:19:00.003-05:00

I had a comment from a blogger at The Connective Lens today so I stopped by to take a look. He takes great photos of small town life--something I can appreciate since I grew up in a little town in Northeastern Indiana. Be sure to stop by.

New Coke Flavors

2010-02-09T13:46:00.003-05:00

Today my friend Brian woke up in the middle of the night because he had a dream about a new wonderful product from the makers of Coca-Cola---Diet Coke with Bacon. While it probably doesn't exist, someone took the time to mock it up via Photoshop or some other image editing software. They did a nice job. I'm not sure where this came from, but I'd be happy to give them credit.

Of course, it reminds me of my own creation taken from my Zucchini Conspiracy post a year and a half ago. Some of my own Photoshop work:

Oh, and here's a fun fact: Did you know that a 12 ounce can of Coke has 140 calories while Pepsi sports 150? Drink up!

New Blog to Follow

2010-02-05T07:32:00.000-05:00

I don't normally get too excited about other blogs, unless it's another MAN BLOG. I used to keep a list of these on the right side of my blog, but many of them have gone off to blog heaven (i.e. they only post on Facebook).

But I REALLY like Some Blog. Be sure to check it out.

Breaking News

2010-02-04T14:46:00.005-05:00

There's a lot going on in the world today. Thankfully, I live in a big city with journalists who dig deep to find the news that really matters. The Indianapolis Star doesn't just reprint press releases from major companies. This is hard hitting stuff. Let's see what's going on today...

That's right, Heinz is unveiling new ketchup packets!!!!! Don't even think about trying to get anything accomplished today. This news has devastated us all and will change the way we live.

Facebook Ads for Forty Year Olds

2010-02-04T06:55:00.002-05:00

Many of you are familiar with Facebook, as am I. As slick as it is, it's hard to believe that they make so much money on advertising when I regularly see stuff like this (left).

Obviously, Facebook looks at my age to create my personalized ads...or is that just a coincidence? (Note sarcasm--I need that new punctuation mark for sarcasm I've been hearing about!) By the way, who has a Driver's License picture like that, anyway? Could you imagine that whole scenario? Let's try...

BMV* LADY: Ok, just stand here in front of the backdrop and I'll take your picture so you can have your new license.

STUD GUY: Ok. Does my hair look ok?

BMV LADY: Uh....sure...whatever. I have 72 people waiting behind you and I need to take a government approved break where I just sit and do nothing. Let's keep it moving.

STUD GUY: Well, I guess it's ok. Now, tell me, what's my motivation in this shot?

BMV LADY: What? Your motivation? I guess your motivation is that you need a new license or you won't be able to drive. Now, PLEASE look into the camera.

STUD GUY: Perfect. Let me get there. I'm a method actor.....[long pause, people can be heard screaming in the background.] WAIT! This doesn't seem right. It needs something.

BMV: Sir, all I need to do is push the button so you can move on and I can get my break.

STUD GUY: I got it. I'll take my shirt off.

BMV: Sir, that's really not necess....oh, ok.

Since I'm 40, I qualify for $12/month car insurance. I'm sure that has to be real, right? (still need that SarcMark) Plus, I can get a FREE Apple iPad

*That's right, I said "BMV!" Here in Indiana it's the Bureau of Motor Vehicles and not the DMV.

Sales Cliches - Part 4

2010-02-03T06:55:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I visited the subject of sales cliches and yet I still hear some of the most bizarre, made-up-on-the-spot cliches every day at the office. Just yesterday one of our sales managers was on the phone with a customer and said,

"you may be trying to skin the cat that has two layers of fur on it."

You Can Do Anything You Want! - Example 1

2010-02-02T11:16:00.002-05:00

Like I said, "You Can Do Anything You Want." For instance, you can wear your pants any way you want and no one can tell you otherwise. If they do, you have the right to assault them--even if you're a young man and you need to assault a woman.

(From today's Indianapolis Star)

Sagging pants lead to student's arrest
By John Tuohy

A 14-year-old high school student who wouldn't pull up his pants was arrested Tuesday after taking a swing at a police officer.

Indianapolis Public School Police Officer Dawn Austin had asked the John Marshall High School student to pull up his pants and tuck in his shirt but the student ignored her and kept walking. The boy also ignored the vice-principal and a teacher who also asked him to stop and tuck in his shirt, according to an IPS police report.
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At the end of the hallway, Officer Damon Boyd tried to make the boy stop. When the student refused, he told him he would be arrested. The student struggled with Boyd and knocked him against a locker.

Austin tried to put handcuffs on the boy and he started swinging at her, with the dangling handcuffs hitting her in the hand, according to the report.

After officers subdued the boy, he was charged with resisting law enforcement, battery of a police officer and disorderly conduct. Boyd tore his shirt and injured his left hand and left shoulder. Austin hurt her right hand. Both officers went to a medical clinic. The boy was sent to the Marion County Arrestee Processing Center

Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Lookin' like a fool with yo pants on the ground! Sheesh.

You Can Do Anything You Want!

2010-02-02T10:17:00.002-05:00

"You can do anything you want."

Those are powerful words. It's the American way. If you just apply yourself to something, you can make it happen. For the most part, it's true and it's what makes our country great. However, the other day I was thinking about that phrase and the fact that it has a double meaning.

"You can do anything you want."

No one can tell you what you can or cannot do because you can do anything you want. This is America and no one should be able to get in your way of doing anything...anything! No one can tell you what to do with an unborn fetus. You can do anything you want. No one can tell you that your lifestyle is wrong and damaging to the rest of society. You can do anything you want.

Of course, there's a double standard today as the government regularly tells us what we can and cannot do. I'm just rambling, I know. It could be worse, I could try to formulate my thoughts in the form of a Haiku.

Messed Up Blog

2010-02-02T09:56:00.001-05:00

I'm in the process of changing and/or reformatting my blog. That explains the weird line through the middle of it. Hopefully I'll have it fixed soon and it will not cause the universe to explode.

Big Losers!

2010-01-28T07:00:00.000-05:00

There are two parts to this post--the part where I realize something that I need to do for my body and my family and then the really funny part that came out of the mouth of my daughter. They both sort of relate to NBC's extreme weight loss reality show called, The Biggest Loser. I'll start with the serious part and then make then I'll "make some funny," as the clown-dad in the new Walmart commercial stated.

On Tuesday night I had a few late phone calls to make at work and managed to get home after 7:00--which is even late for me with my hour long commute. My lovely bride was not going to be able to make dinner so I used it as an excuse to get some fast food that I really didn't need. I've never had a weight issue in my 40 years of life, but lately it's been starting to sneak up on me. After changing clothes I decided to step on the scale in our bathroom--BOOM! I've managed to pack on about 30+ pounds in the past year or so. I didn't do anything about it, but it weighed (hey, a PUN!!) heavily (another one!) on my mind as I headed downstairs for the couch and the TV.

For reasons unknown to me, we (i.e. the wife and my 12-year-old daughter) decided to watch The Biggest Loser. Guilt came over me as I was sitting on my butt watching this show about health and weight loss and I needed to do something about my own body. About twenty minutes into it I left the room and ate an entire box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls...no, I didn't. Just wanted to make sure you were still reading. I headed upstairs to change change clothes again and got on the treadmill for nearly 40 minutes. It's a start and it's something I need to do every day in addition to changing some eating habits.

Now, here's the funny part. Before I got up from the couch there was a Subway commercial with one of the ladies from the show who was talking about her own weight loss and exercise journey. At one point she was in a mall moving along with a crowd of people and my daughter laughed as she said, "Hey, isn't she riding in an escalator?" I couldn't stop giggling and feeling proud that my daughter inherited my sense of humor.

Casual Friday

2010-01-27T07:00:00.000-05:00

My office is REALLY casual all the time. We can wear shorts and flip-flops if we want, as long as we get our work done no one really cares. If you're meeting with customers, then we assume that you're smart enough to dress appropriately.

This takes it to a whole new level:

Choose Carefully

2010-01-26T10:16:00.002-05:00

This probably belongs on FAILblog, but it was sent to me by a friend and co-worker while he was traveling for work in the Chicago area.

There are two choices for bottled water at this particular vending machine. You can pick the 20 ounce bottle of Aquafina water for $1.45 or you can choose the 20 ounce bottle of Aquafina for $2.25. Choose carefully! According to my friend, the $1.45 water was sold out.

Clowns and Unicorns - The Walmart commercial

2010-01-25T10:21:00.002-05:00

I posted this on my facebook page this morning, but I thought I'd share it on my blog as well. Walmart's ads are all over the place. Once in a while they hit the funny bone (e.g. if you've ever seen their spots for the Madden 2010 or Call of Duty: Modern Warfare video games), but this has to be one of the best (well, funniest) commercials EVER:

Your Degree is Burried Next to the Mushroom

2010-01-24T08:25:00.000-05:00

Here's another ad I stumbled on...

Apparently, there are all kinds of degrees just waiting for us under the surface. You just walk over to the giant mushroom and start digging through the weird turd-like object. Or, maybe you smoke the mushroom. I'm not sure. At any rate, you quickly fall down into the Associate's degree cavern which easily dumps you into Certificates (whatever that is) and then Doctoral.

End Up With This?

2010-01-23T20:17:00.003-05:00

The other day I got the following pop-up ad online...

I'm still trying to figure it out. It's actually a bit creepy. You start out with a cheap camera and you end up with a picture of some lady and a couple of freaky guys "photo-bombing" her. Let me know if you have any theories.

Go Ahead and Spit it Out

2010-01-22T11:03:00.003-05:00

Recently I figured out something that revolutionized the communication in my marriage. Now, I don't normally like to brag about my own marriage or the ideas that I come up with it to make it even better, but I'm going to do it now--deal with it.

I think it's fair to say that most wives and women in general LIKE to communicate. In fact, they like it SO much that they purposefully schedule times to do just that. Guys, can you remember the last time that you called one of your buddies and said, "You and I need to talk," or "We need to get together so we can talk about this and that." It just doesn't happen all that much. When my wife wants to talk to me about something she has always felt the need to let me know that it was her intention to do so. In other words, things would be going along just fine and then she'd let loose with the dreaded, "Honey, sometime we need to talk about such and such," or "When we go to dinner tonight I want to talk about this and that." In many cases there would be a list of items that were going to be on the discussion agenda.

For some reason, this has always driven me nuts. I'd spend all of that time in between the talk wondering what it was that we were going to get into when things commenced. In fact, I'd often want what I called a "heads up" so that I wouldn't be caught off guard. Sometimes she'd even introduce the beginning of conversations with, "I'd like to talk to you about such and such," and then start at it. I don't like to be told what we're going to talk about. I'd rather just let it happen. That's how I roll and I suspect there are a lot of other guys out there who are wired the same way. So, we came up with a new rule. When she wants to talk about something and there's time to talk about it, all she has to do is start talking about it. Not only does the conversation not need an introduction, it actually deters me me from wanting to talk about it because in my mind I'm thinking about everything that may or may not transpire. If there's no time to talk at the moment, she can catch me later on. It's not like she and I are strangers who seldom see each other.

Believe it or not, this has been a huge blessing for me. And a blessing for me when it comes to communication in the marriage turns out to be a blessing for her as well. Sometimes she'll start to introduce a subject of conversation and will catch herself--or I'll put the kibash on it. No introductions are needed. Just spit it out. I'm here for her now.

I Love 'Merica

2010-01-18T08:46:00.003-05:00

We live in a great country filled with people who still seem to understand what it means to rise above their humble status when it comes to dealing with injustice, tragedy and natural disasters. It's times like these when I feel good about humanity and the future of our country. Go figure, we do our best when we're under distress.

But then there was this guy at the airport the other day that shook me up quite a bit. We were all waiting at the baggage carousel for our luggage. He was probably in town for a trade show, as was I, and I overhead this conversation (paraphrased, but I'm pretty sure it's accurate) with one of his work buddies:

THIS GUY: ...I got an estimate from another collision shop for the damage done to truck for the insurance company. You can barely see the mark on the bumper but it's going to cost a lot to fix. Of course, I'm going to use the biggest estimate I get.

WORK BUDDY: Blah, blah, blah. Blah. (laughs)*

THIS GUY: The truck isn't worth that much today. I'd sell it if I could get some decent money out of it. If the government ever does another "Cash for Clunkers" I'll get a new truck.

WORK BUDDY: Blah! Oh, and on another note, blah, blah food.

THIS GUY: What? No way. We need to get some REAL FOOD while we're down here. There's a Hooters just up the street from the motel...hey, there's my golf clubs!

*I don't remember much about what he said as I was too annoyed with the other guy)

If you didn't pick up on what I was so annoyed with, I'll spell it out for you. Americans complain about how government is too big and how big companies and their protective political action committees and associations stick it to the everyday man. While there is certainly truth in that statement, WE need to understand that our actions have an impact on the big picture. When we take advantage of insurance companies (whether it's auto insurance or health insurance) it affects everyone else. When we take advantage of government programs (even silly ones like "Cash for Clunkers") it affects us all.

Just my two cents. I'll go back to being silly now.

Lady Gaga Fans Stunned

2010-01-15T09:28:00.003-05:00

[PARENTAL WARNING ON THIS POST]
Apparently Lady Gaga couldn't make it to her scheduled concert appearance in West Lafayette, Indiana, leaving her fans "distressed" and "stunned" according to today's Indianapolis Star. Looking at the picture from the paper, I think they're spot on. The lady standing on the left is obviously "distressed" over the incident and the gentleman sitting on the right with the big blue purse is "stunned" that he spent all of that time getting his hair and make-up to look perfect for the event. Hopefully he will be able to make it to the rescheduled event and will find the strength to carry on with his course work at nearby Purdue University.

If you haven't experienced some of Lady Gaga's music, you might give it a listen sometime just to educate yourself on what's popular today. I'm not going to provide a link as you don't need it. Our family got a thorough listen to the song "Love Games" at a local grocery store that was played at full volume. Imagine trying to distract your kids in the diverse produce aisle of the international foods grocery store when they want to know what is meant by the line, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick." So much for subtlety.

Book Cover Reviews #2 -It's Your Time

2010-01-14T11:39:00.006-05:00

First off, thanks to those of you who commented on my blog. I really do enjoy writing and creating, so it's good to know that there's a small handful of folks out there who read it (besides my wife--and I'm not even sure that she's been reading lately).

Now it's time for the next installment of Book Cover Reviews. These are highly educated book reviews written by me and based solely on the covers of books. This time up is Joel Teethsteen...I mean Osteen and his New York Times bestseller, It's Your Teeth...no, sorry....It's Your Time: Activate Your Faith, Achieve Your Dreams, and Increase in God's Favor. You can find the book on Amazon.com here. (But seriously...PLEASE DON'T BUY THIS BOOK. Go see Avatar instead--for the tenth time.)

Joel Osteen is the Sr. Pastor at America's largest and fastest growing church with over 38,000 members. I hear their after-church pitch-ins are incredible. His messages are seen by millions of people all over the world via television (Jay Leno will be taking over the broadcasts in March).

Obviously, Joel is larger than life as can be seen by his large tusks and large, hair-product enhanced, thick mane. In fact, he's so large in this book that he's three-in-one: The front facing right, the front facing left and the side to accentuate the O-lett (i.e. Osteen Mullet). I can almost hear the conversation that went on between Joel, his team of publicists and the publisher at Free Press...

Osteen Publicist #1: We need to figure out a way to get even more of Joel on the cover of his current book.

Free Press Publisher: We could take a new picture, but Mr. Osteen doesn't really look much different.

Osteen Publicist #2: Mr. Osteen has found so much favor with God that he no longer ages.

Free Press Publisher: (laughing) That's great.

Osteen Publicists #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 (9-32 are working behind the scenes): (dead silence)

Free Press Publisher: You're not joking...so we'll take a new picture of Mr. Osteen's teeth...I mean face...and put it on the mullet...I mean, cover.

Osteen Publicist #3: We'd like to put three pictures of Mr. Osteen on the cover.

Now, if you want "God's Favor" then you will purchase this book--reading it is optional. If you actually read it (or just say that you did) you will learn how to "Activate Your Faith." This is similar to the process required to activate your credit card when you receive it in the mail. You make a phone call to Joel Osteen's worldwide headquarters and give them your pin number, social security number, bank account information with routing number, list of investments with account numbers, name of your firstborn child, etc. Once your faith is "activated" you're able to "achieve your dreams" (as long as your check clears) and "Increase in Joel's favor."

Book Cover Reviews #1 - Food Rules: An Eater's Manual

2010-01-11T13:18:00.006-05:00

There's an old adage that goes, "You can't judge a book by it's cover." BULLPUCKY! You can judge a book by a cover and I will. If covers were meaningless then you'd think the book industry would save a boatload of money and utilize generic names...and generic titles, for that matter. Why not just assign numbers to books and post the number on a plain white cover using the Ariel font with a brief explanation of the contents. It might look something like this:

This will be the first installment of what I will call "Book Cover Reviews" where I...JUDGE BOOKS SOLELY BY THE COVERS. I have no plans to read these books as I'm way too busy writing blogs and watching TV (or reading other books). Let's get things started with this little gem: It's Michael Pollan's bestseller, Food Rules: An Eater's Manual.

Here's what the book has to say about itself according to amazon.com:

A pocket compendium of food wisdom-from the author of The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food

Michael Pollan, our nation's most trusted resource for food-related issues, offers this indispensible guide for anyone concerned about health and food. Simple, sensible, and easy to use, Food Rules is a set of memorable rules for eating wisely, many drawn from a variety of ethnic or cultural traditions. Whether at the supermarket or an all-you-can-eat-buffet, this handy, pocket-size resource is the perfect guide for anyone who would like to become more mindful of the food we eat.

Americans are obsessed with eating and the guilt that goes along with it. We probably waste more money on food and guilt-based exercise than any other country in the world. Imagine what we could do if we all ate sensibly and used our leftover money to help out those in need of agricultural resources and food. This book has one simple rule about food:

1. Eat peas. Moreover, eat giant translucent peas, pea pod and all.

That's all you need to know. Giant translucent pea pods are hard to come by. In fact, they are so rare that you'll be lucky to eat--which means you'll keep the weight off due to the constant foraging and the rare occasion that you find one. These pea pods are humongulous and it's safe to assume that one giant pea will be enough for one person to eat off for days. Moreover, the actual pod is also edible and should satiate the needs of a pea pod clan for an additional time period.

I didn't know Michael Pollan before I reviewed his book without reading it, but I know him now (sort of) and I trust him. This pea pod idea is pure genius. The only other issue to deal with is the penguin on the bottom left corner of the cover. I assume that these penguins also hunt for giant pea pods--or, perhaps they are abundant in Antarctica. Once global warming sets in the world will be rich in giant translucent pea poddy goodness (that sounds funny).

One last note: I'd like to thank The Elephant's Child who unknowingly gave me this stupid idea.

Blog Spammers Are in Full Force

2010-01-11T10:08:00.002-05:00

I've noticed that I get TONS of blog spam lately. If I didn't have to approve all of the comments left on my blog I'd have some really interesting links for all of you to see thanks to all of the spammers that start out their comments with statements like, "Your blog is very helpful..." and then go on to post fifty links to electronics or off-limits sites.

So, I think I'm going to take that extra annoying step of adding the spam verification thingy for commenting on my blog (i.e. the one I never update). I'm sure I've complained about these in the past but now I have finally seen the light.

If anyone still reads this blog I'd love to hear from you again. I'm thinking about getting back into it. Facebook is fun, but it doesn't really give me a chance to get things off my chest.

Happy New Year to all of you (i.e. both of you that read this).

BD

Honey, I Got Some Hair

2009-12-23T13:27:00.004-05:00

Scott over at Honey, I Fed the Kids! earned my sympathy and a few minutes of my time today. It's just not fair that Scott has such a beautiful family, all with rich, full heads of hair while while he can only dream of what used to be. So, I fixed it. Enjoy...

Yes, it's been a slow day at work today.

Something Is Wrong With the Universe!!!

2009-12-15T14:47:00.004-05:00

Well, maybe not...but that was my first thought when I realized that my sister-in-law and brother-in-law officially started a blog. And unlike my blog which really serves no purpose they are setting out to do something extraordinary. Tom and Tif feel God leading them to grow their family of five to a family of seven. They are pursuing an adoption of two children from Ethiopia.
You can read about it yourself here...

NO LOOKING BACK!

If you're in the giving mood, I encourage you to donate to their cause. I think the total cost is around $36,000 and they're just a bit shy...around $36,000!!!!

These are good, God-fearing people who want to provide a great home for a couple of children. Of course, they also get the benefit of a really great uncle.

What's the Deal With THESE Guys?

2009-12-03T10:20:00.006-05:00

I'm a regular reader of my local newspaper's web site (www.indystar.com). I like being able to stay caught up on news throughout the day. Obviously, the newspaper has to make money by selling ads and I don't fault them for that. I'm pretty good about ignoring them, but the ads supplied by Adblade always get my attention. Their strategy, it seems to me, is to grab the reader's attention with bizarre pictures that seem to have little to nothing to do with the product being advertised. Let's take a look...

Since the ads are in a newspaper, they are designed to LOOK like news. That's an old trick. But take a look at those pictures and illustrations. Apparently, Jesus either has a low credit score or is the guy who can help me lower mine--or both. I'm sure Jesus could help me lower my credit score and so much more. Kudos to Adblade for being pro-Jesus!

And what's with the guy who failed to refinance?

It looks like he also FAILED to pick out his glasses and properly insert his false teeth uppers. Not only that, but I'd be willing to guess that a 747 could fly right into this man's nose hole without clipping a wing (provided his nasal passages are properly irrigated).

The Cycle of a Female Child Star

2009-11-17T10:16:00.005-05:00

Since I have three chillins of my own, I have many opportunities to see the latest in tween and teen entertainment ala The Disney Channel, ABC Family (don't get me started on this network) and the many iterations of Nickelodeon. I've probably blogulated about this before, but I believe there is a consistent cycle of female child stars from these networks (and other sources of star generating potential) to get introduced to the world, get famous, get really famous and then basically whore themselves out in the name of artistic expression and "growing up." It's every dad's dream for his little girl to "grow up" by increasingly exposing herself via the popular media. Just think back to tween/teen sensations like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, etc. They all went through the process and were often heralded for their courage and artistic expression.

The latest is the wildly popular Miley Cyrus (also known as "Hannah Montana" from her television show of the same name), daughter of Billy Ray "Achey Breaky" Cyrus. We've seen this sassy but sweet tween turn into a multimedia teenage mega-star over the past few years. Her TV show and movie have completely blown up all over the world and her concerts regularly sell out to thousands of devoted little girls and their mothers (or nannies).

Recently, she showed up at the Teen Choice Awards on Fox to accept the admiration of her fans and decided this would be the perfect time to break out of her little girl cocoon and into this...

She's making the transition from teen idol to teen stripper as she pole dances before a studio and television audience of impressionable teenage girls (and boys--but that's another subject). Seriously...look at the expressions on the little girls in the audience. What are they thinking?

"Wow! She's so courageous!"
"I can't wait until daddy lets me do this on tv...or at the local club just off the highway."
"She is empowered!"
"Where can I get that outfit? I want to be the first one to wear it at school."

This stuff REALLY annoys me. Our society is becoming more and more narcissistic and it's all fueled by the lust of men. Men, stand up and do something about this. You don't even have to be a dad to take a stand.

(stepping off soap box)

Ok. So, I guess you can all get back to whatever it is that you were doing.

Balloon Boy Parents - GUILTY

2009-11-13T13:07:00.002-05:00

Sometimes the legal system actually works. If you were following the recent "Balloon Boy" story, you know that a couple of media starved parents (particularly the dad, it seems) staged a hoax in which they claimed their son had climbed into a UFO-like weather balloon and drifted away. The press bit and suddenly the nation was following what could be a tragic story. Lo and behold, the boy (aka "balloon boy") was hiding the attic the whole time because he was scared that he father would be upset with him. It certainly seemed like a believable story until folks started digging a little. Then, to make matters worse for the parents, they appeared on Good Morning America where little balloon boy accidentally told the reporter that his dad told him to hide in the attic. D'ohh!

I fully expected a long, drawn out court sequence where the parents refused to admit any wrongdoing. But in this case, the prosecutors went right for the jugular. Balloon Boy's mother is from Japan. If she were to be found guilty, the United States would have her deported. D'ohh! A please bargain was reached and the parents are now awaiting sentencing. Why can't the legal system work like this more often?

Why wont tj work on the iq 1080p integration?

2009-11-12T10:34:00.003-05:00

This is my attempt to get the search engines to file this. It's totally work related and funny to just a few people in my office.

Why wont tj work on the iq 1080p integration?
Why wont tj work on the iq 1080p integration?
Why wont tj work on the iq 1080p integration?
Why wont tj work on the iq 1080p integration?

Now, for those of you who want a real laugh, go to www.google.com and type the following into the search box...

why wont

As of today the number one choice that automatically pops up in the box where you're typing is very odd. It means that some folks with a lot of spare time have been entering this odd entry into the search engine to make it the number one search suggestion--BRILLIANT!

What 'choo Talkin' 'Bout, Nightrider?

2009-11-07T17:52:00.001-05:00

I don't care what anyone says. There's nothing as cool as THIS PICTURE...

What's More Important?

2009-10-18T13:53:00.002-04:00

In my recent adventures in music I've been listening to and reading about Paul McCartney's music career after the break-up of The Beatles. I found this bit of information to be very interesting...

As the Beatles were breaking up in 1970, McCartney was working on his debut solo album, McCartney. Backing vocals were provided by his wife, Linda, whom he had married the previous year. McCartney had insisted from the beginning of their marriage that his wife should be involved in his musical projects, so that they did not have to be apart when he was on tour. (source: Wikipedia)

Sadly, if you've followed the careers of The Beatles at all you'll easily stumble upon harsh criticism against Paul for his wife's involvement in his music, as well as for John Lennon with his wife Yoko. But regardless of what you think about some of the music that was affected by the wives of the musicians, there's something to be said for Paul's commitment to his late wife Linda. Husbands, what do we do in our everyday (i.e. non-ex Beatles) lives to protect and preserve the relationship we have with our wives?

I Still Have a Blog...

2009-10-17T12:33:00.004-04:00

...but I'm not sure why. For the most part, I've always set out to provide something mildly amusing on this blog...and I'm not sure why.

Lately, I've been much more serious about my life. I still have the same stupid sense of humor that I've always had, but I'm much more critical of how I use my time. Blogging is just not important enough to devote much time to it (at least, not as much as I used to). This is not a blanket judgment statement on those of you who continue to blog. I'd actually like to get back in the habit of reading some of your blogs again.

So, I'm not sure how often I'll post here or what I'll have to say and I'm sure that will devastate millions of people who show up to this blog every day. Of course I'm joking. However, there were actually a few days when I had hundreds of unique visits to my silly blog because of something I posted on Cake Wrecks.

For anyone that cares, here's what I'm serious about these days...

My wife.

My son. I have three kids and a wife who all need me, but by teenage boy needs me more than ever. If you're a dad and you're raising boys, let me recommend the book King Me by Steve Farrar.

My work. I have a great job that I love. In today's economy I know that's rare and I count it a huge blessing. I'm making the most of every minute and I'm really enjoying it.

Dryer Lint. I collect it and I'm planning to sell it on ebay. Not really--but it wouldn't be my blog without something incredibly stupid included in the post. Meow. Meow. Butterpants.

Adventures in Music - Jeff Lynne

2009-09-04T09:22:00.003-04:00

I'm still here--in case you were wondering. It seems like I go in spurts where I'll concentrate on this blog, Facebook or TrackForum (where I post as "Media Boy"--I'm a big IndyCar fan in case you didn't know).

Yesterday I was copying some of my old CDs to put on my iPOD and rediscovered the genius that is Jeff Lynne. Mr. Lynne started and was the brains behind Electric Light Orchestra. He's also produced a boat-load of major albums--all with his signature sound. I have a copy of Armchair Theatre that I haven't spun in years. This is great stuff. Oh, and as it turns out...this CD is out of print and sells for at least $25 on-line. Anybody want to buy mine?

So, it wasn't a stellar post, but it's something. Plus, I owe some visits to my blog friends. I promise to get around your way soon.

Mystery Fortune

2009-08-20T10:05:00.004-04:00

My friend got a fortune cookie with his take-out Chinese the other day during lunch. Tell me if it makes any sense to you...

Of course, that always reminds me of my favorite fortune cookie joke that I posted quite a while ago.

Snip's Desire

2009-08-11T12:26:00.002-04:00

Well, hello there. I just haven't had anything interesting to say lately and the world still seems to be spinning on its axis.

My wife posted something great today. Here's my girl blogging about one of my girls. This little one is known as "snip" on my blog. She's a cutie.

Jay Leno on Dinah Shore

2009-08-04T15:40:00.003-04:00

Twenty years ago or more I remember seeing Jay Leno being interviewed about his ascent into big time show business. He told a story that still makes me laugh to this day and all I've been able to do is remember the sketchy details in the vast cavernous wasteland that is my brain. However, I decided to do a Google search for "jay leno on dinah shore" today and managed to find the actual story. As it turns out, he included this in his book Leading With My Chin. Enjoy...

Jay Leno once found himself booked on Dinah Shore's syndicated daytime talk show: "I went in and met with the talent coordinator, who said, 'Okay, what's your last joke, so the band knows when to play you off.' ... I said to the talent coordinator, 'Listen, do I have to give my last line?' 'Well, how's the bandleader going to know when you're done?' I said, 'Well, I like to hear the laugh. How about if I just say, "Thank you, thank you very much!" Twice, okay? And that'll be the cue.'

"He agreed to this and went to tell the guys in the band. During the show, I waited backstage for my introduction from Dinah Shore. Finally, I heard her say, 'Now we're going to bring out a very funny young man from Boston. He's got a unique brand of comedy. Please welcome, Mr. lay Leno! Come out here, Jay!' Because Dinah was such a warm presence, she tended to infect audiences with her own enthusiasm. And this audience took her lead and responded with a long, wonderful round of applause. It was almost unnatural. They even went, 'Wooooo! Wooooo!'

"I walked out, surprised and feeling like hot stuff. I started with: 'I'm from the United States! Are there any United States people here?' This got a huge ovation - much more so than such a lame joke deserved. So I said, 'Oh! Thank you! Thank you very much!' At which point, the bandleader looked up in a panic, threw down his magazine, stubbed out his cigarette - and started playing me off!

"'BAAAA DAAAAH! BAAAAAM PAHHHH! BAAA BAAAHH! DAAAAAH! DAHHHHHN TAAAAAA!' And I stood there, stunned.

"Meanwhile, Dinah, who had been reading through her notes, looked up, smiled broadly, and started applauding. Which started the audience applauding wildly! Now she was waving me over to her: 'Come on over here, Jay! Come on over here!' So I shrugged and walked over to her couch. Still beaming, she said, 'Sit right down! That's some of the freshest material I've heard in a long time!' Was anybody paying attention here? So I just sat down and said, 'Well, thank you very much! At this rate, I could do this show eighty, ninety times a year!'"

Make Me Fries - Pearl Jam Lyrics

2009-07-30T07:36:00.004-04:00

If you remember the band Pearl Jam (and they're still around today) you might recall that deciphering band leader Eddie Vedder's lyrics can be a bit of a challenge. However, thanks to THIS VIDEO, you can see the actual words for yourself. Enjoy...

Unsealed on a porch a letter sat.
Then you said, "I wanna leave it again."
Once I saw her on a beach of weathered sand.
And on the sand I wanna leave it again. Yeah.
On a weekend I wanna wish it all away, yeah.
And they called and I said that "I want what I said" and then I call out again.
And the reason oughta' leave her calm, I know.
I said "I know what I was the boxer or the bag."

Ah yeah, can you see them out on the porch? Yeah, but they don't wave.
I see them round the front way. Yeah.
And I know, and I know I don't want to stay.
Make me cry...

I see... Oh I don't know why there's something else.
I wanna drum it all away...
Oh, I said, "I don't, I don't know whether I was the boxer or the bag."

Ah yeah, can you see them out on the porch? Yeah, but they don't wave.
But I see them round the front way. Yeah.
And I know, and I know. I don't wanna stay at all.
I don't wanna stay. Yeah.
I don't wanna stay. [x2]
I don't... Don't wanna, oh... Yeah. Ooh... Ohh...

The Intense Old Dumb Guy at the Church Softball Game

2009-07-29T10:59:00.003-04:00

Let me start out this post by pointing out that the "Intense Old Dumb Guy at the Church Softball Game" mentioned in the title of this entry is ME. I'm not sure what came over me, but lately I've been playing a tick above average and decided to take it to the next level. God was looking out for me and gave me a good dose of humility.

Our league is a recreation (or "rec") league and it's not ultra competitive. We don't even have umpires and go on the honor system. As such, there are no close calls at home. If the catcher has the ball in his or her hand or mitt and is somewhere near the plate, you are out if you've committed to going home.

So, while I had just landed on third I noticed the pitcher turning his back on me and I decided I was going to get a run. About three steps into my journey to home the pitcher noticed me and nonchalantly lobbed the ball to the only girl on the team who happened to be playing catcher. I was out as soon as she caught the ball, but for some reason I decided I needed to slide into home. I started my slide a little too early and instead of moving parallel to the ground at a slight angle, my entire body kicked upwards and over. I landed on my face with dirt in my mouth and both of my knees scraped up. Did I already mention that I was out before I even decided to slide? To make matters worse, I was still a foot away from the plate when my body stopped moving and my pants nearly slid down off of my rear end (fortunately for everyone involved, everything kept covered). Overall, it was a nice dose of humility and shame.

PROOF! Texting while driving is dangerous.

2009-07-28T12:11:00.004-04:00

Finally, we have the proof that we need. A recent study conducted by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute just confirmed that texting while driving is even more dangerous than previous studies had determined.

Here's the actual link to the story.

Is Virginia Tech a public school? I sure hope so. I hope that my tax dollars contributed to this study. And thank goodness they had the sense to do more than one study on this. Folks probably didn't believe the first study that confirmed it was actually dangerous to type messages on a phone while driving. Hopefully, we will continue with these studies so that everyone can come to a rational conclusion.

I hope you're picking up my sarcasm.

P.S. I wrote this entire blog post while driving, eating an ear of corn and crocheting a hat.

Sales Cliches - Part 3

2009-07-23T13:28:00.003-04:00

Just seconds ago the sales guy who sits behind me (who is a really good guy, by the way) went on a good old-fashioned Sales Cliche rampage. I've heard, "You're good-to-go" a few times, something about a "silver bullet," "there's more than one way to skin a cat," and then he uttered my new favorite...

You're trying to put twenty pounds of [CENSORED] in a ten pound bag.

I'm just trying to figure out ways that I can incorporate this one at home, at athletic association board meetings and church. Wish me luck.

Fun Times at the Airport Parking Garage

2009-07-23T07:10:00.001-04:00

While I've traveled quite a bit in the past, I haven't been to Indianapolis's new airport enough times to know the routines. Just the other day our entire family decided that we'd be on hand to greet my mother-in-law who was returning from a nearly two month visit to Germany. By the time I dropped off the wife and chillins and managed to drive all the way back to the parking garage and get out, they were all walking towards me. I had been out of the car for less than a minute and they were all ready to leave. That's two bucks down the tubes but I didn't mind since we all love my wife's parents quite a bit. I was right next to the pre-pay machine so I decided to pay for my ticket there and save some time getting out of the gate.

It's simple. You put your ticket in and then pay for your parking via cash or a credit card. They print out a receipt that shows when you came in, when you left and that you've paid your fare. So, as I was driving out, I pulled up to the Pre-Paid gate and realized that I needed my original parking ticket to get out. I never made the connection that I'd still need it and had left it at the the pre-pay machine inside the garage. No problem. I pulled up to a gate with a man inside a booth and showed him my receipt. Everything was on that little piece of paper. I figured it would only take me an extra minute for this guy to read the receipt and let me pass.

Obviously, that wasn't the case or I wouldn't be sitting here pecking away at the keyboard. First off, he told me that I needed to make sure I have my ticket the next time.

"Sorry about that," I said. I honestly didn't care because I had paid two dollars to park for two minutes. I wasn't mean about it.

He spent the next five minutes fumbling through papers, his cash register and some random files while writing things down on my receipt. I couldn't figure out what he was up to.

"I'm going to need to see your license," he said.

While I couldn't figure out why he would need it, I was prepared to hand it over. At this point I noticed that the gate was open...but I still handed it over. I figured another minute of my life wasted wasn't that big of a deal. He must have waited at least two minutes (still fumbling around doing who knows what) before taking the license and then I can only assume that he drew a perfect representation of it--including the way "Indiana" is written at the top and sketching my head shot. He walked out of the booth and gave me the license, but he was too close to the car for me to do anything.

"Do you need a blood sample?" I asked, knowing that I was being a smart@$$ but I couldn't resist at this point. I don't think he heard me or cared about what I said. He wandered to the back of the vehicle and told me he need to write down my license plate. While I didn't see him reach for any colored markers or pencils, I can only assume, once again, the he re-created my license plate on the back of the receipt. Maybe it's some kind of hobby. Finally he came back to the car and gurgled out some ineligible words. The Mrs. thought he said something about a vehicle inspection and I was looking for a good vein for him to draw blood.

By this time fifteen minutes had gone by and I was still sitting at the opened gate. He handed me some form that needed my signature and I quickly scribbled "Homer J. Simpson" at the bottom. Sometimes you just have to stick it to the man. That's how I roll.

Of Blimps & Wienermobiles

2009-07-21T14:28:00.013-04:00

Indianapolis may not be the cultural mecca of western civilization, but we have our share of big time events that draw prestigious advertisers to the roads and skies of our fair cities. Specifically, I'm speaking of the Indianapolis 500 and the Brickyard 400 races which usually draw the presence of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile and the Goodyear Blimp.

I've had the privilege of seeing both of these machines up close and in person. I was reminded of that yesterday when I read a front-page news item from the Indianapolis Star about the Wienermobile coming to town (maybe it was a slow news day). I recall seeing it at a local grocery store a few years ago with the kids. You haven't lived until you've seen a giant hot dog on wheels up close. Seriously, when you're not expecting to see a gasoline powered frankfurter, it's a little surprising and exciting all at the same time.

Which reminds me of a close encounter I had with the Goodyear Blimp. Indianapolis is circled by an Interstate highway called I-465. It literally goes around the entire outer edge of the city and connects to many other highways and interstates. I'm sure your local large metropolitan area has a similar thoroughfare. One late afternoon I was returning home from the office on 465 while working my way through some peculiar patches of fog--something we don't see too often in the later part of the day. It was thick enough in one area that I slowed down to 30-35 miles an hour just to make sure I could react if anything were to happen in front of me. Suddenly, the fog cleared out just enough for me to see an enormous spacecraft hovering above me. There was no doubt in my mind that it was going to abduct me in order to perform bizarre experiments on my body and/or corpse. Of course, this was the initial thought that ran through my head as the Goodyear Blimp emerged from the low-hanging clouds. To this day I'm thankful that neither my bladder nor bowels were full and that I managed to keep the car on the road.

It just goes to show you that never expect to see the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile or the Goodyear Blimp...and no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Interviewing Techniques

2009-07-18T07:59:00.000-04:00

Ok, this is going to be a bit of a personal rant, but it's my blog so I can do whatever I want. Don't forget that I coined the phrase, "Meow Meow Butterpants" right here. America, you can thank me later.

So, here's that rant. I hate it when television and radio personalities interview people (e.g. at the conclusion of a sporting event) and proceed to ask questions without actually asking questions--and then they put the microphone in front of the guy/girl's face. I suppose it's just a pet peeve on my part because everyone gets what it is that's happening, but here's an example from Indycar.com that is inexcusable because it's in writing (click on it for a full view)...

It's one thing to not ask a question with a microphone and then put a microphone in front of someone's face, but I'm quite certain that the "Q" stands for "question" in this case.

Rant is over. I need to take some medication or find other things to get worked up over. Sorry. Now go take on your day.

I'm Ron Burgundy?

Price of Smokes Skyrockets out of Universe

2009-07-17T07:58:00.000-04:00

If you're a smoker, be prepared for much higher prices. Josh Muszynski got quite a surprise when a pack of cigarettes cost him over 23 quadrillion dollars.

NH man charged 23 quadrillion dollars for smokes
Posted 7/16/2009 10:32 AM ET
MANCHESTER, N.H. (AP) — A New Hampshire man says he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars.

Josh Muszynski (Moo-SIN'-ski) checked his account online a few hours later and saw the 17-digit number -- a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500 (twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars).

Muszynski says he spent two hours on the phone with Bank of America trying to sort out the string of numbers and the $15 overdraft fee.

The bank corrected the error the next day.

Bank of America tells WMUR-TV only the card issuer, Visa, could answer questions. Visa, in turn, referred questions to the bank.

___

Information from: WMUR-TV, http://wmur.com

Copyright 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

LINK

Does this have anything to do with the Federal Government getting involved with the tobacco industry? It seems like we could deal with the deficit (and then some) with the sale of a single pack of Marlboros.

I am waiting for you to take me go home!

2009-07-16T09:49:00.006-04:00

I got a great Engrish piece of junk mail at work today and decided I'd share it with the rest of you. The author decided to take a creative angle and personified the camera and dvr he or she is trying to sell me. Apparently they are both slaves and will be assigned a "next Master." However, in a modern-day twist on the slave trade, they have resumes. I don't remember seeing any resumes in Alex Haley's Roots mini-series.

You'll need to click on the image below to read the text. It's worth it. Enjoy...

Croc-wearing Chair Thief...Caught!

2009-07-15T10:53:00.007-04:00

When you work in an office you have to understand that there's some sharing involved--no big deal. However, the chair you sit in, the desk you sit at, the phone you use, etc. are yours for as long as you're working with the company, right? This isn't some kind of new rule that I made up, as far as I know.

While I hate to pick on the same guy here all the time (hint: he's one of the croc-wearing offenders), it's unavoidable. He's a rather rotund individual and yesterday his sheer mass managed to break his chair. It's not the first time this has happened. He'll be sitting in it while watching something on Hulu (don't get me started) and you hear this big cracking noise from his area. A few minutes later he's up and pushing the chair around the office in search of a new one to break. Since my friend and co-worker is sometimes out of town to do off-site trainings, he's the favorite victim of the person that we will refer to as Grimace.

The nice thing about working in my particular line is that we have over 70 surveillance cameras up and running all the time...

1. This is either the time when the original chair broke or the TV show he was watching on Hulu was finished or at a commercial break.

2. Time to let someone in HR know that he's broken his chair....no, screw that! Just go take Brian's chair. He's not in the office today and there's no one in his cube area.

3. That was easy. No one was here to see this!

4. Ta-da!!! A brand new chair to ~~use~~ break.

5. I arrive at the scene of the crime, but it's too late. Note that I'm wearing real shoes and so is the other guy.

Sorry for the Lack of Posting

2009-07-13T09:29:00.004-04:00

I've been finishing up baseball season with my son's team that I coach along with the husband of Toni in the Midst. We had one heck of a year. When we got our team together at the beginning of the season, I saw what the other clubs had and figured we were about the second or third best team in the league.

We played our first game back in May and things were looking good--which was nice since the team I coached last year had a rough season. I remember being just a couple of innings into that first game where we were hitting the ball really well and winning. My son looked up at me and said, "Dad, this year we've got a TEAM." I have to admit that I was feeling the same way. Then we had to switch pitchers because I guess it's wrong to ruin a kid's arm just so you can win a few baseball games--go figure!. The bottom dropped out as I didn't seem to have anyone else that could throw strikes outside of practice. We gave up 9 or 10 runs in one inning. Ouch. I will not bore you all with the details, but suffice it to say we managed to eek out one win all year in the regular season.

We started the double elimination tournament with a loss which meant our backs were against the wall--win or go home. Finally, the team came together and we ended the seasons of two other clubs before finally getting knocked out and ending up in...third place.

Normally, I'd have something funny or witty to say, but that's all I've got. Maybe now I'll have more time for the important things in life like blogging, facebook and watching tv. Wish me luck.

Casual Work Attire ABUSERS!

2009-07-07T15:14:00.005-04:00

I've been fortunate to have a job and to also have a job where I can dress casually--very casually. In fact, my current employer is probably the most casual workplace I've ever experienced.

Are T-shirts and jeans your thing? They are welcome in our office.
Feel like wearing shorts to work? No problem.
Sandals? You bet.

However, when you give some people an inch, they take a mile...and they take that mile one giant awkward step at a time wearing their unsightly crocs--to work. Eeeeew.

That's an actual image from my place of employment. I work in the security industry, so having cameras recording our every move has become normal and sometimes convenient in cases like this.

One of my daughters owns a pair of crocs (and she's probably reading this--I love you, Bird). But I'll publicly go on record to declare how much I dislike them. However, I support your right as a freedom loving man or woman to wear them--but not at work.

The Real Origins of Dr. Pepper's 23 Flavors

2009-07-06T15:32:00.006-04:00

The wife and I are big fans of Dr. Pepper. However, our 15-year-old son would rather drink Gatorade or Red Bull (no, we don't keep them on hand for him) and has never cared much for soft drinks other than any type of Mountain Dew. By the way, it seems like they come out with a new flavor of Mt. Dew nearly every week and then immediately discontinue it.

Anyway, he hates Dr. Pepper so much that the other day he shared with me his own interpretation of the origins of the soft drink that currently brags of having 23 flavors...

It was, like, one day some people threw together 23 random flavors and there was one guy who tasted it and said, "Hey, this tastes...ok," so they made it a drink, but everyone else totally hated it.

And there you have it. If you're interested in more stories from my teenage boy, try these links from back when he was just 13:

Is it true what they say about Dr. Pepper? You either love it or hate it--there's no in between? Have any of you had the pleasure of drinking Dublin Dr. Pepper? If not, you should stop into the Dublin, Texas plant sometime when you're in the area or order a case online.

The Classic Tale of Thumbelina...sort of

2009-07-03T10:28:00.005-04:00

Last night we watched a movie adaptation of Hans Christian Andersen's Thumbelina. It's a fairy tale about a tiny little girl who feels out of place in...Wait, did I mention that this was the Barbie Presents Thumbalina version of the tale.

I think we have all of the Barbie movies now since I have a ten year old girly girl in the house. Most of the movies are ok and even mildly entertaining. We take this kind of computer generated animation for granted today. Remember when Pixar's Toy Story came out and we were all mezmerized?

So, where was I? Oh, I was talking about the message off Barbie Presents Thumbelina. I may have missed some of the key scenes as I was plugging away at the computer while the DVD was playing in the living room, but I'm quite certain that one of the themes was that FACTORIES ARE BAD! I tried to explain to my daughter the irony of situation since we were watching the movie on a television that was made in a factory. I think it went right over her head, but she thought the dresses were pretty.

Engrish Fans--Enjoy!

2009-07-01T17:28:00.008-04:00

If you're a fan of engrish.com (which is usually pretty safe, but watch out from time to time), then you'll love this. One of my co-workers ordered this razor online and the box is quite entertaining.

Click on the pictures below for more detail. If you have extra time on your hands, this is the razor for you!

Survey of Miscellaneous Things

2009-06-29T11:39:00.003-04:00

Since there are still a few of you left from the Cake Wrecks link onslaught, I thought I'd gather your opinions on a few miscellaneous items (and kudos to me for guessing the correct spelling of "miscellaneous" the very first time when it's much easier to spell "randumb").

If you wish to participate, just leave a comment with the number or numbers to the questions you're responding to (or whatever). I may get fancy and create some sort of a follow-up post in the near future with a pie chart...or maybe just a big piece of pie. Pie sounds good. I've forgotten what it was that I was writing about. Something about homemade raspberry pie, I think.

So, here are the questions:

1. How many times do you need to tell a 15-year-old boy NOT to leave food/candy wrappers sitting all over the house (even when he's only officially allowed to eat in one room of the house)?

a. once
b. twice
c. five times
d. I'm still counting. It's at least 100.

2. When you're in a two lane round-a-bout and you pop in next to someone else how do you proceed?

a. Allow the person who was there first to have the right-of-way
b. This is a passing opportunity--just like NASCAR. W'hoo!
c. If you're on the outside and you have the other person on the inside of the round-a-bout, see how long you can go around the circle.
d. "Look kids, Big Ben...Parliament."

3. I like to read blogs because...

a. It gives me something to do in between Facebook and/or Twitter
b. I like learning about the lives of exciting people like..."Big Doofus." ;)
c. It beats working
d. It keeps my mind off of petty responsibilities like taking care of the kids, house, etc.

I Am the Bathroom Stalker!!!!

2009-06-26T07:23:00.000-04:00

Most of you know how it is at work when you pop into the restroom and see someone else in there. It's no big deal because science has proven that 92% of all people actually use the bathroom at least once a day (Go ahead and look it up. I think I found it on Wikipedia). When you run into the restroom and see the same person in there again, it might become something to snicker at--especially if you're on speaking terms with the person.

"Looks like we're on the same bathroom schedule, eh Bob?"
Mild snickering ensues.

When it happens the third time, the mood might change from mildly amusing to puzzling.

"Wow, Bob. This is really weird."
Complete silence...or maybe the sound of crickets in the background.

If it happens the forth time, you've coincidentally entered a new phase in your relationship with Bob. You've gone from "friendly work acquaintance" to "freaky bathroom stalker."

"Uhhhh...Bob? I'm not sure...er....I have no idea what....ah...."
"HELP!!!! HELP!!!! SOMEONE CALL SECURITY. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!
Calamity and/or a ruckus follows. If you're a female and this situation takes place in the ladies room you end up with a nose full of pepper spray and fall to the floor in a confused state of shock and shame.

And you may or may not get invited to the office Christmas party.

Back To Normal

2009-06-25T07:46:00.000-04:00

Sadly I checked into the blog today to see if there was any activity and it looks like all of the new readers are now new former readers. Such is life in the fast-paced world of Internet weblogging. I'll have to go back to bugging my wife to read the blog and paying out 25 cents a week to Uvulapie--enough clams for him to get into his time machine and travel back to 1997 to watch new episodes of Touched By An Angel and purchase a can of corn at Aldis.

FAILing Representatives

2009-06-24T06:14:00.000-04:00

Argue all you want about politicians with hidden agendas, but MY state Reps are looking out for people...

I had no idea that it was inappropriate for adult males to spray tan nude minors. Sheesh. I submitted this to the folks at FAILblog a while back but it didn't get enough votes to make it to their main page. Who needs 'em! It's a genuine screen shot from the Indianapolis Star a few months ago.

On another note, here's what happens when your rarely viewed blog gets a nice link from Cake Wrecks...
Finally, since there may be people sticking around to see what this site is all about (mostly nothing), you might want to check out this old post: Manly Blogging Award.

This Sight Has Bin Recked!

2009-06-23T10:34:00.005-04:00

I'm a regular reader of the Cake Wrecks blog. I know that I've mentioned it quite a few times here and perhaps I've convinced some of you to join me in checking it out each and every day for cakes gone wrong. In fact, I was just reminding my wife two nights ago that when my next birthday rolls around (the big 4-0) I want my cake to say, "Happy 40th Birthday! Fireworks Explosion" in honor of this cake from Cake Wrecks:

(Here's the link behind it if you care to read the story.)

Last month I nearly died laughing at the "Happy Falker Satherhood" Cake Wrecks entry and decided to add to the lore of this holiday in my blog. I had no idea that it would get tagged by the Cake Wrecks blog and bring so many new people to my obscure blog home (welcome, by the way...just don't touch anything). I went from 9 stalkers to 24 stalkers in the course of a day. Now I feel compelled to contribute something to society.

Here it is...I call it, "Fun with plastic water bottle caps and permanent markers."

Another Name

2009-06-22T17:15:00.002-04:00

Feel free to check my last entry for the appropriate way to pronounce the name, La-Sha. One of you had obviously heard it before.

And so it continues. One of my Sales Managers informed me today that his pop-up display was destroyed by an airline and that they'd be calling me to settle up. Sure enough, a few minutes later I got a call from a Customer Service Representative with the last name, "Gouge." I was telling her how much the display cost. It was quite expensive and I wanted to show her the actual invoice for verification. I told her I would do that so that she didn't think I was trying to "gouge" her. No joke. Well, it sounded like a joke and I surely didn't mean it that way. Believe it or not, she thought it was pretty funny when I said it...and her company did an outstanding job of taking care of things. I won't tell you what airline she works for but their headquarters are in the southwest part of our country.

Fun With Names

2009-06-18T15:19:00.006-04:00

I've encountered some interesting names in my lifetime. I went to school with girls named Dusty Knuckles and Crystal Waters. There was a guy with the last name Horney and another girl whose last name was "Loser" (pronounced LOW-zhur). A few years ago I worked with a guy named Bob Albaugh and whenever he said his name it sounded like Ba-Ba-Baa.

But yesterday at work we received a call from a customer whose name was spelled this way...

La-Sha.

She spelled out her name over the phone and then proceeded to tell us how it was pronounced. Any guess on how to correctly say it? I will reveal the correct answer in a few days.

A Classic Commercial (for me, anyway)

2009-06-17T07:11:00.000-04:00

If you've read this blog more than once then it will be no surprise to you that I love the following commercial:

(Click here to watch it on YouTube--I couldn't embed it on my blog.)

Many of you have probably seen it, but I don't want to give it away to you just in case. However, I've decided to comment on it below...

Actually, I think it deserves to be written out so it can be fully enjoyed.

PASSENGER: I don't even know why I bother. (pause)

PASSENGER: Do you wanna go home?

DRIVER: (muffled growl)

PASSENGER: You don't pay attention to what I say. You're not even listening now, are you?

Quacking ducks heard in the background.

DRIVER: Woof!

PASSENGER: No! What are you doing? No! No ducks! Oh you are in SO much trouble! BAD DOG! Nooooooooo! Mother of....pearl!

Where do I begin? This one hits on so many levels. You instantly assume that the man is talking to a woman and then what could be funnier than a driving pooch chasing after ducks in his truck.

Like I said, this commercial is right up my alley and reminds me of a few similar posts:

The Bud Light "Sausages" Dog

Orbit's Stinky McStinkface

And the Jeep Neil Diamond Commercial

Tobacco and Nascar!

2009-06-16T10:14:00.007-04:00

I've written extensively (ad nauseum) about my long work commute. The best way to get to and from my office is to stay on the interstate highways, set the cruise control and mindlessly prod along until I reach my destination. It saves time and money over the long run and that's fine by me. However, sometimes I just cannot stand to go the same way so I veer off the familiar paths to some of the lesser traveled roads and streets across Indianapolis.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

(from The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost)

Such was my journey to work today and I'm not sure if it "made all the difference" but it did produce a great picture and blog post fodder thanks to my handy Motorola Razr mobile phone...

You see, it's a store and they sell, TOBACCO & NASCAR. I stopped long enough to snap this picture, but I may need to make another run in this direction to see what's actually inside. It sort of reminds me of my favorite strip malls that offer seperate stores for check cashing, firearms and liquor all in one convenient location. I've blogged about similar things here (Karate Guns Tanning) and here (Fireworks Stand Marketing 101), if you're interested.

As long as I'm quoting some of the best, well-known poetry of Western Civilazation in this post, it's only appropriate that I leave you with the words of former Nascar driver and now NASCAR television analyst, Darrel Waltrip...

Boogity! Boogity! Boogity!

It's Called, "Cilantro"

2009-06-15T10:00:00.003-04:00

For the past few years I've grown cilantro in my garden. This weekend I realized that I have an abundance of this leafy herb and I decided to cut some up and give it to two of my neighbors. I was shocked when I gave it to them only to hear them ask me, "What is it?" But then I recalled purchasing it at the store on several occasions when the check-out person didn't even know what it was. What is wrong with you people? Cilantro is used in Mexican food, Indian food, Thai food, Vietnamese food, etc. It smells wonderful and you could put it on just about anything to add flavor. If you like cilantro, add it to your salsa recipe.

Milk and possible CCTV

2009-06-04T16:51:00.004-04:00

My co-worker friend and I were hitting a local KFC/A&W drive-thru recently and couldn't help but laugh at two signs affixed to the window.

1. According to this sign, the KFC/A&W might have a CCTV surveillance system in place. But then again...they might not. Who knows. I've always thought a good deterrent sign would be something like, "NOTICE: EMPLOYEES ARE TO STUPID TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO OPEN SAFE."

2. What? The hot dogs contain "MILK"? Really? So, is this real milk or imitation...no, wait...WHY do the hot dogs contain milk? Do they contain meat?

Walking the Dog?

2009-06-01T11:05:00.001-04:00

Yesterday my son and I were driving through the neighborhood and saw a middle aged woman taking a walk with her dog along the sidewalk. This would be completely normal except for the fact that the lady was carrying the dog! Something has gone terribly wrong in this world.

Bring on the Googins

2009-05-27T16:15:00.004-04:00

If you've read this blog for any number of years you're probably chained to a computer without knowledge of how to search for other sites more worthy of your time. Also, you may remember that I blatantly ripped off a post from Uvulapie on the name Googins...

Imagine my glee when just the other day as I was watching the Cincinnati Reds beat the Houston Astros on TV when they decided to interview the head baseball coach for Xavier University--none other than Scott GOOGINS!

Admit it, there's no other name that's as fun to say as "GOOGINS!"

I Saw One of These Today...

2009-05-25T19:10:00.003-04:00

(Note: I didn't take this picture.)

I'm kind of a bird watcher and today I was fortunate enough to see a scarlet tanager. I was able to put a check mark on the corresponding page of my Birds of Indiana Field Guide.

Red Gun Shoe Alarm

2009-05-22T15:36:00.002-04:00

Thanks to the handy Internet Anagram Service (also known as I Rearrangement Servant) I was able to determine that my complete name (not "Big Doofus") makes some pretty cool anagrams. My personal favorite is...

Red Gun Shoe Alarm

I'm sure that it means something, right?

Leaving a Legacy for Former Co-workers

2009-05-21T14:32:00.004-04:00

Four years ago I used to work for a manufacturing company with a large office (250 + people) located in the Northwest side of Indianapolis. It was a fine job and I enjoyed my time there. However, I left for an opportunity too good to pass up. As is almost always the case with me and employers, I left on good terms. There's no good reason to burn bridges when it comes to providing for a family--especially in today's economy.

While I didn't leave on bad terms, I did leave them with something bad. It seems that just the other day quite a few employees were complaining about a horrible smell coming from the upstairs snack room. There's a refrigerator located there to keep lunches and snacks cool. At the time, I had a cheap little red lunch bag that I lugged to work most days. Today I got a call from my former boss and some co-workers (they put me on speaker phone) about the source of the smell. It seems that my little red lunch bag had something in it when I left--something for everyone. An odor so bad that it had to be removed. Of course, I had my name on the bag just in case it ever turned up missing. Now my name and my lunch bag are part of their corporate culture.

(NOTE: It's just a total coincidence that the subject of my last two posts have involved red bags.)

The Staples Clearance Sections

2009-05-18T16:49:00.004-04:00

I'm going to vent just a bit. I find myself in Staples way too often picking up certificates, labels, presentation folders, special mailing envelopes, etc. One thing I've noticed over the past year or so is that they've devoted more and more space for big fancy CLEARANCE sections throughout the entire store. Nothing attracts bargain savvy customers like a CLEARANCE section.

The universally accepted idea of a CLEARANCE section (and I'm not sure why I'm still spelling it with all capital letters, but why change it now?) is that you put items there that you want to get rid of...and you drop the price so as to facilitate the process. You all get that, right? In fact, some of you have probably worked in retail and you understand that this is how it works.

But Staples either doesn't get the concept or they're hoping that people are retarded enough to buy a 2009 desk calendar in the middle of May marked down to just $18.99 when you can buy similar calendars (or even better ones) for the same price or less in the non CLEARANCE areas. It doesn't matter what item you find in the Staples CLEARANCE section, IT WILL NOT BE A BARGAIN. For instance, leather and leatherette laptop cases are in the front of the store on a CLEARANCE table starting at just...$79.99! Discontinued markers are ON CLEARANCE for just $5.99. Who pays $5.99 for a marker?

The Staples definition of CLEARANCE is...

"Let's see how much we can get someone to pay for this if we put it in a CLEARANCE section."

So, I challenge you all. The next time you're out, stop into a Staples and tell me what you see.

Cost Effective Alternative to Invisible Fence

2009-05-12T16:38:00.007-04:00

I've been pricing invisible fences used to keep dogs in your own yard. Online it looks like you can pay anywhere from $150 - $300 for these systems depending on how big of a yard you have and what area you wish to protect. However, I came up with an alternative to these invisible fence systems that's incredibly cost efficient:

It's Invisible Dog! There are so many benefits to Invisible Dog (besides the fact that I saved hundreds of dollars on an invisible fence):

Invisible poop
Invisible messes in our house
Invisible dog hair
Invisible vet comes with dog
Runs on invisible batteries or invisible dog food (whatever you choose)
100% Silent barking, crying, yelping.

If you want one, just send me a check for $150.

Mr. Velvet Ears

2009-05-07T10:44:00.004-04:00

While watching the Reds game (i.e. Reds fiasco--they lost 15 - 3 to the Brewers) with my 15-year-old son, the announcers started talking about baseball legend Bob Ueker. Ueker is better known for his sense of humor and acting skills than for his baseball skills. They mentioned that he used to be on a very popular 1980's sitcom called Mr. Belvedere.

"Oh, yeah," I said to anyone listening in the room. "I forgot that Bob Ueker was on Mr. Belvedere."

My son, who was watching from the kitchen chimed in, "Who's Mr. Velvet Ears?"

Happy Falker Satherhood

2009-05-05T07:00:00.003-04:00

For many people, today is known as "Cinco de Mayo"--a Mexican holiday which, when translated to English, means "drink as many Coronas and/or maragaritas as you can during your lunch break."

But I wanted to take the time to wish you all a Happy Falker Satherhood. Falker Satherhood was celebrated in the tiny Eastern European country of Belgrid to commemorate the beginning of spring and the annual "Dancing Ritual of the Goats." If you've never experienced the joys of goat dancing and Falker Satherhood, you don't know what you're missing. Obviously, you're an uncultured buffoon!

But seriously folks, Falker Satherhood is NOT a holiday--as far as we know. However, there's a small bakery somewhere in these United States that either thinks it's a holiday or decided to make one up (they're probably in cahoots with the greeting card industry looking for a new day to sell overpriced cards). To get the real story on Falker Satherhood, be sure to pop over to Cake Wrecks.

And Happy Falker Satherhood to you and yours!

I Cannot Understand

2009-05-04T09:05:00.002-04:00

This weekend I was trying to reason with my 12-year-old daughter about how her emotions were getting the best of her. She was able to tell me that there was no real reason for the struggle she was having so I told her that all she had to do was tell herself the truth and rise above it.

[ATTENTION MEN: At this point, all of the ladies who read this blog are already laughing.]

She responded by saying, "Well, Daddy, you don't understand because...

________ ________ ________ ________ ________."

Fill in the blanks by leaving me a comment if you think you know the answer (or just want to make up something silly.).